Seasonal Feelings

well...not exactly

2011-12-16T05:32:00.001+05:30

I prayed to God yesterday.

2011-11-02T23:17:00.002+05:30

Yesterday I was scared, more than my helplessness I was scared that I will go on continue living and some day I'll move on. If something happens tomorrow, God forbid, then I have no choice but to make a cry and after sometime dust off and stand up ( may not literally or happily dust-off but sure to get away from lamenting over loss). And memories of old times fade off. Sometimes they drench you like unexpected rain in summer but never again you remember any spring time by yourself.

P.S0: Alexei (In Gambler by Dostoevsky) said, "It is like a drowning man catching at a straw. You yourself will agree that, unless he were drowning he would not mistake a straw for the trunk of a tree."

P.S1: Things today were more agreeable that I thought, or may be I thought too much. I couldn't feel any better. I am almost happy.

Destiny... !

2011-09-07T00:19:00.000+05:30

Things have been in discussion for some time now... directly or indirectly I have been informed though all along I mummed my participation with due diligence I finally spoke when my parents started taking my silence for approval. Much to my chagrin I said, “OK, I’ll get married but not before May” after a look at Dad and Mom I blurted out “or April”.

The same eve when we went to buy saris to my cousin, I (not mom) bought two for me.

Lord of the flies - Influenza!

2011-05-30T01:51:00.003+05:30

"Lord of the flies" Another good book shared by my colleague. I read books of different genre (Shakespeare, Dostoevsky, R.K. Narayan, P.G.Wodehouse, Ayn Rand, Agatha Christie, J.R.R.Tolkien to name few and yes that's how I differentiate) but I wouldn't have read "1984" or "I am a legend" or "Lord of the flies" if not for him. He introduced me to the side of human world which is grotesque, selfish and in the darkness of heart is nothing but a ...

I caution people who want to read the book "Lord of the flies" should stop here, as there is spoiler below :). Let me give my opinion of the book beforehand, Its very good, I would say must read. By the way, this book was William Golding's response for "The Coral Island" by R.M.Ballantyne.

"Lord of the flies" is about a group of British schoolboys stuck on a deserted Island who try to govern themselves, with disastrous results (courtesy Wiki). All the kids are of age 12 or below. The book opens with kids crash landed, wandering on an Island and pages later Ralph (one of the Chief characters) first as a matter-of-fact and later as exhilarating discovery shouts excitingly "There are no grown ups!". I thought here starts the disaster but they acted more like grown ups and astonished me with their meetings and conch and the order :). Later you would see how they really grew up. As you move forward you forget the fact that they are kids. Sometimes I stop and hate them for their behavior and then suddenly realize they are only kids, which made me feel sad. Those kids behaved like grown up men representing the worst side of, humans that they are or are they?

I liked author for his characterization of Ralph and Simon despite the fact that through Jack he dared show the dark side of human nature. Simon was wise, Ralph was human and Jack was a savage. Ralph was the connection, a link between the extremities of human nature. Only Simon knew who was Lord of the flies actually is. Piggy was intelligent I suppose but his death didn't make me feel sympathetic. Its Simon and Ralph who moved me. Simon's death stares at the face of humanity mirroring the true you. And Ralph justifying his absence from the horse-shoe ring, defies his knowledge and guilt of murdering Simon, acting like an average normal person. Though at the end, Ralph is saved by timely (yes timely) arrival of rescue officers, you would know its an accident made by the author to save it from becoming monstrous. May be deep down the author knew people cannot comprehend such an ugly side of human nature on so innocent a face no matter how masked they are.

unfair broadcast.

2011-05-10T22:31:00.001+05:30

It wasn’t sudden or unnatural change, I was well aware when my thoughts, opinions and beliefs were changing. I made a protest but it was meek because I was fighting experiences with presumptions. It wasn’t just hard but almost impossible to let go all those beliefs I grew up with. On one side my rationality would question everything and on the other hand my blind faith is taking benefit of doubt which is convenient but not comforting. In my helplessness I am laughing at schism of self.

stupid me!

2011-04-26T01:21:00.000+05:30

Today I behaved like a stupid, real stupid. I guess I'll never learn not to be...few people has that effect on me. I didn't want to be stupid like women which is why I went ahead and did even more stupid thing to prove it one more time!

After effects

2011-03-27T00:49:00.001+05:30

Well...after a day, things seem little okie, not that I am OK with what happened. I was so angry that I eliminated the option of apology, and decided that person cannot be excused. I am not angry on person itself its just that I cannot be normal with them after all of it. I might not come to dislike the person but I don't feel like before anymore. Its been a month since it was first said, yesterday I opened up because I made my mind to cut things off and I always hated when someone suddenly stop talking, leaving other people at the mercy of their memory and your way of thinking (not everyone is as intelligent as you are, besides if they understand it why will they do it :P). Long long long back I made a HUGE mistake. To be honest its fatal, I took for granted my friend's trust on me by accessing my friend's email. Though I can argue it was unintentional and unthoughtful, but one the flip side its sheer ignorance. When I realized it, I kept saying sorry...over time my friend excused me. That's the worst thing I ever did, I still regret whenever I think of.

Coming to the present, I couldn't help thinking you deserve as much chance as I did then. But the point is I am not angry on you ma, even if I am it wont last more than the heck of the situation. Its the fact that you said it to me is what hurt me... This is how long I can keep my ego aside.

:'(

2011-03-25T21:50:00.001+05:30

I don no if I'll stick to my decision, I don no if its right thing to do but being right isn't comforting anymore. I will be tagged as silly, way too sensitive women and I know its not altogether wrong. When you expect something- no its not expectations, when you take pride in something and fail in it, it hurts.

Except for the family (parents n siblings) for whom loving and caring comes naturally I didn't approve other relationships much. I disliked relatives particularly, for with them you have to be good whether or not you like it. For you cannot choose your relatives. I am not against them (not all of them at least) but sometimes even when I don't like their thinking I had to pretend I do, some times I laugh at their jokes because that brings smile on my mom's face and not because I find them funny. But with friends you can be yourself. I was proud (now I feel stupid) about friends and friendship for one thing there is no force in it, you can tell straight on face in fact make fun about how lame their jokes are or what a PJs they are. Its not like friends don't fight, or they'll agree to whatever you say or do anything, its the freedom to be yourself, to agree to disagree and still stick around.

When you take pride in something, love it and treasure it beyond limits you fail to see the other side. When you are flying high on sky like a balloon in air you don't need big weapon or something, a needle is enough to ground you. When a person is prepared she can get through storms but when unprepared a simple breeze can blow her off. I understand what happened is unintentional but words once said cannot be undone. I never thought any friend of mine would ever tell me k I am not a true friend... some one has to bore the brunt, now that I know I can hear this as well, next time I might not react hysterically and denounce them. I think I wouldn't have felt as bad had you said I am not a good person.

P.S: Why didn't I think you'll say it, why did you said it.

Shades of black.

2011-03-11T01:36:00.001+05:30

The more I see people the less it make sense to me. I don no what people think before they do anything, what is it that let them justify their own actions. Be it a vendor who throws money with an attitude I wont even throw the crap or a spendthrift who vehemently criticizes others for their spendthrift nature yet justifies his own with a confidence that lacks surety or a wobbler who think is strong enough not to take help from others yet weak enough to reach out for. And it beats me when they think its okie to be that way. My own behavior is no less irritating.

I read 1984 by George Orwell, 1984 is too real to acknowledge. Its beyond words to say how it feels to see every action of yours including your thoughts being watched. An influence that makes a person feel he is submitting willfully when in reality its a forceful suppression to an awfully low level. To force a person not just to say that 2+2=5 but actually make him believe it is indeed. A system that can cut the weakest nerve of anyone no matter what it is. Though the author had noble intentions to protest against the totalitarian rule, it is scary to imagine to be in a situation like that and what is even more scarier is the system's success in cutting down every single thought raised against. I know a person can get use to anything, but I couldn't comprehend the thought (which now seems more of a fact) that every person will get use to suppression. When I argued with my colleague ( I think he is a cynic, though he claims himself to be a realist :D) he laughed at me and said you like happy endings that happen in movies (typical of girl, I imagined him adding it mockingly) . He spoke as if every human is not just ready to get subjugated but is actually waiting as if its an opportunity. Unable to accept it I said, lets suppose everyone is okie to be suppressed but who is doing that, he cut me down saying you think a dictator is a savior, I said NO, a dictator is one person who isn't okie with subjugation, for which my colleague simply said he is nothing more than a smart guy who en-cashed the opportunity. But that's not true, no matter what the range is, shouldn't there be a limit where a man will stand up and say enough is enough. I don't think every person can be subjected to limitless suppression successfully without being revolted. Aren't there enough revolutions to testify that? My colleague has an answer to even that (I hate it), revolutions has replaced a dictator with a tyrant, though the changes weren't visible immediately, thats where every thing headed to.

Now I don no if a person who accepts life as is, is strong enough to embrace life in its entirety or is weak to even entertain the thought of protest.

I also read 'I am a Legend', I already watched the movie with my friends and our reaction was hysterical :D. As it happens with most of the books, the movie is nowhere close to the book. My heart broke (well...almost) to see a man live such a lonely life and to what end. The description was not poignant, its wasn't like the stereotype loneliness that movies portray which is why it disturbed me more probably. Its the climax of the movie where a reason (saving the mankind) was given to his death consoled me a little, where in reality (I mean book) he was last of his kind (mankind) and at the end is no more than a legend (just the way vampires or draccula or our own korivi deyyalu are :P).

Ivanhoe

2010-12-23T00:37:00.000+05:30

Almost an year ago I tried reading Ivanhoe, but I could not go past 2 pages, whether it was the rough saxon language or the unknown 12th century settings or my mood I cannot say. Classic books like this have peculiarity that either intrigues you to dive-in out of sheer curiosity or gets you averted on the grounds of unfamiliarity. So I ignored it, till it was the only unread book left in my shelf (I have very few :|). I started reading it, I had to read the first chapter twice to understand it. In the guise of jester (buffoon) the author presented the most witty person necessary to keep the readers gripped. The book with many twist and turns reminded me of Amar Akbar Anthony cinema. I enjoyed the book but not entirely. There were two things that troubled me and pricked me. First of all, hatred for Jews. How can anyone hate a race so much, especially when their own GOD was a Jew himself. And this hatred was carried over for centuries and centuries. There was too much of it and it was very disturbing. I would have stopped reading it had Ivanhoe or Richard King Cœur de Lion showed any of these feelings. Another thing was because of conflict of my own opinion over a situation. Let me explain the scene first, In the story, there is a templar, Brian de Bois-Guilbert who kidnaps Rowena for his boss and gets a Jewish girl named Rebecca as gift, for obvious reason of having her. Unfortunate for being a jewish she had to go through a great ordeal, though all along the Templar does his best to help and save her from other adversaries. Under such circumstances, usually ppl start liking the other and I hated that, I would always wonder how could anyone like ppl who are the very cause of it, what about all the suffering and pain one go through because of them. Finally, when he had to choose saving her with his fame and reputation at stake, he ask her to runaway with him in return for her life. And Rebecca opposes him and choose death over him (though later saved by our hero Ivanhoe). I (use to) think I would have responded the same way as Rebecca did. It was all right but for some stupid unknown reason I felt bad for the templar, I pitied him may be because I saw his side of difficulties to save her though they were blinded by lust (the fact that he never forced her by no where mean its not lust, it only mean he is not an animal). And now I am not sure, not sure if I would have despised him or not though I know I would never love him. At the end, I still think its an interesting book (despite my dilemma over my decision).

terrible though true, your memories

doesn't dwell in my heart as they use to

time heal every wound and it did

but what I have are not just wounds

your presence and absence left

both wounds and wonderful moments

what right does time has over these moments

canst time touch thy memories which is

all I have of you!

If not for the selfish God, you would said something now :).

Rut

2010-10-24T16:57:00.001+05:30

Opening the editor to write a post, I realized its been long since I wrote something. And now, even after 15 minutes I couldn't come up with anything to write on. Clearly I have nothing to say, I am not talking abt the babbling that I do, I can go on that way to any length though :D. I am quite confused about too many things, sign of me using my brain (dangerous). My thoughts and opinions are incoherent. May be I am magnifying things or it were the same ever since. At one time I almost believed that men can never be good and if they are, its only because they are not subjected to situations that turn them bad. Infact men have nothing to do in being good or bad (they are always bad) its only situations that help them pose good. But now I understand situations are like catalyst, its always your call, its you and your reaction that decides who you are. Though there are situations that demand specific reaction no matter who you are, situations that are complex to comprehend, situations that make everyone helpless, they are only exceptions however. Also, I saw someone who influenced the little thinking that I do, hurt someone else. It wouldn't have mattered to me, but I knw the person I admire so much is not right, I somehow couldn't be selfish and ignore what they did nor could I overcome my own love and react appropriately.

On the routine side, I have joined swimming, and even after 6 sessions, I am not able to swim, last day I fell off in the pool a couple of times and acted like an idiot, ended up drinking that chlorinated water more than usual. Its fun to play in water when you know nothing, its even more fun to swim but its the learning part thats more like exercise and not at all fun. But I want to learn swimming under any cost, at least for the skin color I am sacrificing :(. My friends gifted me a saree this bday, I tried it after coming home, I can wrap a saree around better than draping it :D.

Flinged Away!!!

2010-07-01T23:18:00.002+05:30

It was weird but so much nicer than other thing. Silence is quite powerful and conveys lot more than words but most of the time ends up hurting lot more than actual words do. Today I witnessed a conversation where people said things that usually hurt. However I realized, that's way better than the devilish silence people left away with.

Note: I am soO vulnerable that anything can barge into my life and leave me shattered. And its pity I cant promise myself that I'll never let it happen again.

I wish!!!

2010-05-26T09:47:00.000+05:30

Yesterday I saw someone I really really like being torn between their will and wish. Which ever side I was, I don't want to be someone's headache and I gave up. I wasn't acting there, I left you because I couldn't act.

pttcht

2010-05-22T19:07:00.001+05:30

I have a confession to make: "I like helping people but I am not comfortable with the idea of anyone coming to my place anytime they want".

School in Summer Holidays!!!

2010-04-30T01:12:00.002+05:30

My sister is here for her summer holidays and this is what we are doing :D. I am doing things I was suppose to do in Ischool :P.

Updates

2010-03-29T22:01:00.003+05:30

Well.. I have been thinking of updating my blog and I am still. There are a couple of topics I want to share but I have no idea where to start from and more importantly how to write them without divulging too much, keeping it cryptic yet understandable. Thats why I didn't update other trivia of life and also because most of the time, if I postpone a thing once it gets postponed forever. However in this chakkar I don't want to postpone blogging itself so I am here to update a little about doings around :D.

Office work is going fine, we had a major release last weekend ( as part of giving off wire-line business to Frontier, we are giving off not just the cable lines but also most of the softwares we use to use) and it went smooth. I was asked to work on weekend for production support which isn't an issue. The issue is working in cleanroom, cleanroom is a room where everything is clean and clear. I understand security concern over letting people access production systems and restricting access to few applications but not allowing anything inside a room and that anything includes everything except locker keys (where we can store our stuff) and a "Plastic" (with a sarcastic stress on P) water bottle. No paper in any form is allowed, which includes toilet papers!!! And tell me how many breaks can anyone take in the name of cafeteria. If anyone work in cleanroom for a continuous week, they'll forget what it is like eating, seriously. I kept chocolate inside my locker and sneaked out every now and then to eat it, and yes, that freaked my colleagues.

Srini (my colleague) brought new bike Apache, its good but you know that isn't why I am mentioning it. Well... He asked me quite a few times if I want to ride it and in fact insisted I do coz he know I know riding bikes. Of course I said no but I liked it. Another thing is even Praveen (my Sr and Colleague) didn't ride it. Praveen got himself a Chevrolet Beat, its cool but I wouldn't rate it any more than 3 for 5. Today Praveen brought it to office and invited everyone for view and review and at the end when we were going back to office, he came to me and asked, "you didn't like it, right?" I said "hmm... yea, its not up to the expectation". I know its not like me but sometimes one shouldn't be.

At home, last week was great!!! Mash, I hadn't laughed since months as much as I did in my past week. My younger sis was here and spending time with her made me active and I got the chance to be stupid again without being bothered. I try my best to maintain a serious tone with her coz she is pampered by everyone else in our home and so I never said to her but I really love her a lot, she smart, intelligent, beautiful, stylish and lovely.

:)

2010-03-24T00:00:00.000+05:30

A smile and my anger bust into bubbles - bubbles of laughter.

matter-of-fact

2010-03-08T22:52:00.001+05:30

I don't think I'll fall in love. I donno how many seasons will pass before my thinking changes but I don't think it will.

Finally :)

2010-02-27T03:26:00.002+05:30

After successfully trapping t-todo and Praveen in succession, in my terribly teaching skills, I thought I can successfully end with Mallik at last. But fate had sometime else in store and finally I was able to do what I did not hope for. Well... the thing is, I tried teaching "how to make a paper cube without using scissors n glue" unsuccessfully over phone to t-todo and Praveen. I thought I can hit a hat-trick by doing the same with Mallik. And when Mallik said he actually made a cube, I asked him to send pics. And when he delayed it, I almost thought he was covering up as he doesn't want to disappoint me. However, however here is the proof :), thanq Mallik.

More than my teaching skills, I am happy for having friends like these. Friends I can torture in the middle of the night, friends who are more than willing to get tortured :P.

New Fav

2010-02-17T01:48:00.003+05:30

After weeks of living in office, I am back to normal life. And I have resumed reading books (non-academic unless specified), I've started with lite books, one that do not make me contemplate too much. And am happy for doing that. It really helped, most importantly in continuing my reading habit.

Agatha Christie

Long back, I read Agatha Christie's "And then there were none", "Sleeping Murder" and "Big Four" and of these three I liked only "And then there were none". It was ingenious of her, not just to kill 10 people but to plan in such a way that you can never really guess who died last and who killed whom. I think hadn't she explained the thing to her readers at end, many people would have killed themselves, unable to bear the tension of not knowing.

Last weekend, when one of my friend asked for suggestion about her, I informed the same to her and said "The murder of Roger Ackroyd" is considered her master piece. So we brought it and I read it. For more than half of the book I did not find anything impressive. Since it was crime mystery, I couldn't stop reading, otherwise I might have left it in between, which would have been a huge mistake as I discovered later. So I continued reading it, making obvious guess of who can be Roger Ackroyd's murderer. And when I read the end, I was shocked, it shook not just my mind but my ground too. I was nowhere close to the truth. I know the fact that murderer in mystery novels is usually the person you least expect but this person was neither in expected list nor in supposedly unexpected list. And thats when I realized, they don't call her "Queen of Crime and Mystery" just like that.

Mark Twain

I read Mark Twain's (aka Samuel Langhorne Clemens's) Prince and Pauper. I know we read that in our schooling already, but that was edited version. My first impression after reading a chapter was good but as I continued to read further, it changed to Great. Every one know Mark Twain is great in words and greater in the way he plays with them but there was something more that impressed me like heavens!!! Lemme tell you what it was.

Well... the story of "The Prince and Pauper" goes like this. A prince (Edward VI) and a pauper (Tom Canty) who are similar in looks (typical in Bollywood not just in 70s even now) exchange their identities without much knowledge of what they are doing. The rest of the story is about their encounter with other side of the world. For Tom Canty, its a world that existed only in dreams and for the prince, its the harsh world that never existed not in his scariest dream. One day as Tom Canty donning the hat of prince sits in his cozy room doing nothing, a little boy comes in. The little boy had been appointed to take the punishment on behalf of prince, for the mistakes made by the prince. And when Tom Canty fails to recognize him, the boy in order to remind the prince, asks the prince, "Do your highness remember how one day your highness mispronounced a word 3-4 times in a row in french class ?" and awaits for his highness's response. Tom Canty contemplate for a minute and nods his head in answer, confirming that he do remember mispronouncing words. And in background of his brain goes the logic this way, Tom Canty in his ragged life was a good little boy and so the priest took an interest in him and use to teach him French and Latin which of course wasn't so much of an interest for Tom Canty. So not just 3-4 times Tom Canty knows that he has mispronounced French and Latin 30-40 times and hence its true that he indeed mispronounced French words and so he said Yes.

This logic baffled me, because thats how I behave at times when I don't want to tell the truth (Now I warn my readers, next time I say anything, especially over phone, don't cross question me, you better don't). I instantly became his fan. So much so that I decided to read his short stories collection too. I read "The notorious jumping frog of calaveras county" and "The bad little boy" both were okie but disappointing for the level of Mark Twain was too high, at least in my opinion. Then I randomly read "The extracts from the dairy of Adam and Eve". Kudos to Mark Twain, his imagination is awesome. The confession of eve, the sheer idiotic-ness of eve that is seen in every gal, and the way eve names everything under and above sun and when asked, promptly reply "because it looks like" as the one-and-only-plausible-explanation for sun being called sun and tiger being called tiger.

Anyone who enjoys humor and wit and being "hatke" gonna enjoy Mark Twain's work. Check out, if you like reading books then very likely you'll love Mark Twain.

P.S: This has nothing to do with my love for Shakespeare. Thats eternal as his writings.

Arghhhh!!!

2010-02-11T18:40:00.000+05:30

Before I write anything I wanna caution, this post is not organised, neither my thoughts are, so be prepared. yea I know, most of my posts are not organised but this is even more unorganized.

Life is playing kick boxing with me, and I am, I am someone who donno how to wear those red gloves even :P. Naturally I am quite pissed off especially for not hitting back, not for once. Since new year, I am being hit by situations I have no idea how to react, one after the other. Its like expecting a square shape from a round mold. And the effect was so bad that I am always on high B.P. I saw a permanent scar of laziness in my life and it didn't feel good. I got my M.Tech degree certificate.

Though I didn't made any resolutions for the new year, I am trying my level best to practice a couple of things. One is not to waste/throw food, I am making sure not to throw anything thats on my plate at least unless ... :D . And another thing is to wear my old dresses to office, once in a week at least. I brought dresses I know I wont be wearing more than once, and at one time I remember I said to myself when I was buying a dress, 'even if I wear this dress just once tomorrow, I think its worth it" that was special event though. There are many such dresses that I wore once or twice, I am trying my level best to wear them to office, not just that I am wearing old dresses that are not really old. And yea, I have started using my brain before using money :D. I never really bothered about money though I didn't waste it like water but today people around me are hell bend to teach how important it is. And here I am screaming, "I don't want to learn, I don't want to learn, I know already, necessary enough".

I realized it doesn't amuse me always if someone read my mind. I also don't like someone knowing too much about me, except for few lucky ones. I am trying my best not to end up arguing with someone, and the more I try the more I fail. I understand I am being rude to someone, but what can I do when someone get on my nerve. Someone's tone said to me what their words hid, and I didn't reply nor did I raise any objection. People who didn't see me trying have no right to judge me as not-trying. How am I suppose to explain someone who didn't see, that I did knock the door, that some of those doors where already locked from outside and some, some were too distant to reach out for. I know, I am not very keen on looking for help and had I have my interest on it, may be I would have stretched myself a little more, very true but it is also true that I did try.

spective as in retrospective, introspective and perspective.

2010-01-19T01:21:00.003+05:30

Well... the other day I was reading blogs randomly (thats how you find pearls in Sea, randomly :P) and I realized my vocabulary is getting worst. Not just that, even my spellings are getting worst than ever. Though I distantly blame citrix (online access appl in office, that keeps me away from checking word meaning online by asking me to login every 15 min) for my vocab, I have closer one to blame my spellings, Spell Checkers :D. You'll find them almost everywhere except for... notepad. So, I decided on checking words, and was keen on knowing everything, origin of word, usage, synonyms, antonyms, etc. Now again, since the world is round and small, I eventually bumped into Nasheeda ;). I wondered how can anyone describe Nasheeda. And this is what I came up with:

Origin: Lazy (may be the converse is more true)

Meaning:

1. Not being on time.

2. A chatter-box with grim surface.

3. Someone who thinks life is a "lovely Nasheeda".

4. one who emphasize more on "Nasheeda-ism", the property of being themselves even when not required.

Synonyms: Nocturnal, procrastinator, irregular, innocent*, quick-tempered, emotional, spendthrift.

*innocent: thats rare and unpredictable.

Antonyms: Punctual, regular, planned.

Usage: "Stop being Nasheeda, come on, do your homework". - From the book of 'Strict Teachers'.

P.S: There is one more reason for this quantitative analysis, Today, I spoke to someone I thought will never, and the thought of talking first was little painful. Still I spoke, Not because I have to, need to or want to, but because thats what Miss Manners would do. Its not that I cant humiliate anyone, its just that I don't.

Over Action!!!

2010-01-10T10:26:00.005+05:30

I donno why, whatz the problem with me, just when everything is going fine, my expectations sky rocket by themselves, ending my day in utter disappointment not just for me, also for the people around me. I am getting all greedy, I can see that but unfortunately my efforts to stop it aren't greedy.

A month ago, few of my B.tech batch mates thought it would be a great idea to have an Alumni meet and ppl started planning. I was little pessimistic about it for there were many such things planned in past and nothing worked out and ppl ended up meeting their best friends only. The get together was scheduled on 10th Jan. Anywayz, I was clear I'll not attend it coz its not gonna happen. V and Mallik were ready to attend it and V didn't come to hyd for New Year so that he can make it this weekend. As expected, a couple of days before we got to know that its not going to happen, not as much as ppl/organizers planned. So they are almost privately meeting at runaway9 tomorrow but anyone is cordially welcome. I was okie coz i wasnt expecting it to happen but what got me is, organizers didn't bother to inform others about it.

Getting to the point, Mallik called me a couple of days before and said he is coming to hyd. I asked what his plans were, he said he was coming to play Nari Night Cup (A tournament conducted in Univ of Hyderabad, since 1998 :)) and might probably attend the get-together if there is any. It twitched a little to hear me or not to hear anything about our meeting. And when he asked me what are your plans then I said candidly, "em, me... well nothing much, I have a play to attend @ ravindra bharathi on Sunday evening, apart from that I am almost free. But V is coming to Hyderabad, so Me, V and zah's are going to meet, you can join us if you want to." Mallik was like "nuv chaala ekkuv chestunnav". Obviously I didnt agree. Friday night I called V to knw the status, and when V said, he'll be starting on Monday, I didnt knw what to say, I was silent for a moment and asked him "Nuv raavatledaa". I donno what he felt, he immediately replied, "come on, nuv anukunaka nenu raaka povatama, no way Sweetie (V, where did you learn it from, by the way?), i'll do one thing, i'll go to the room, pack my luggage and get in train (V's future in-laws work in railway dept :P)". I cant say how happy I felt. And so, FOR ME (of course I am gonna highlight it) he came to hyd today. Boy, you should have seen me today, I was so so very happy (that I actually visited a gift's store to get something for V) and it was visible on my face (Maash). And yes, I was overwhelmed, and in someone's words "I am happy, and childish". Mallik became the scapegoat, me and zah's was punching dialogue after dialogue, reminding him what an ........ he is. I was of course enjoying it and I thought its easy to make out that I didn't really mean anything I said to you. But there is one thing I wanna say here, just coz I am too happy with V doesnt mean I am not with you guys.

Lunch was okie, and we had quite a fun pulling each other's leg and interpreting things that weren't said/meant in first place ;). V nailed himself by forgetting zah's bday. Anywayz, after lunch we started for Birla Mandir, but went for N.T.R Gardens coz V guessed it to be so when asked where are we going :). On our way to N.T.R Gardens, V showed gave me his phone I tried playing a little with it and finally gave back to him saying "chatta phone". V took the phone, checked it, smiled and kept it back in his pocket. Just then Mallik looked at me and smiled, there was something in his smile, a little mischievous. I asked him the reason and he said "nothing" and I didn't bother much. Finally when we reached N.T.R gardens, I realized Mallik was very quite. Luckily, I got my little sense back, I understood whats wrong, and tried my level best to balance out the things. We had fun in Columbus, more so by watching scared ppl faces and expressions :P. Later on, we played non-computerized version of pin ball :D, and V won a crockery set (but it doesn't worth half the money he spent :D) and had Ice Creams. After that, we went in IMax to book tickets for Avatar 3d. And there we realized almost everyone's chance of attending the movie were equal and bleak. Finally we didn't buy any tickets and postponed the matter for next day which indirectly mean NO. Each said Bye to everyone else and we all left.

Me and Mallik left together coz he was suppose to go to hcu, to play Nari Night Cup. And on our way back Mallik asked, "Tell me honestly, you passed some message to V, through his mobile on our way to N.T.R Gardens, isnt it?". OMG!!! I didn't utter anything but kinda realized k my acting skills need a brushing :P. Again he said "You dont have to tell me what the message was", to that I nodded my head and said "yes, but I didnt type any thing in his phone", logically speaking which was true, coz his phone has a touch screen and all I did was selecting things using the stylus and that isn't typing :D. But I think I can say now, since by the time you guys are reading this, you mite probably knw it. he asked me zah's bday, and I changed the date in his calender :D. I knw its no trade secret but I didn't tell that coz I wanted to black mail V, its fun :). I had no heart to get down at my place so I took ticket for Darga, then extended it to uoh, said to mallik k I'll buy a water bottle from shopcom and leave but ended up watching their match (mallik's team lost :( ) and later Mallik dropped me home.

See, I should have been content for the day that passed, It was nice and I was happy too but that didn't happen. I got greedy, I wanted more share of ... I phoned Mallik, and ended up arguing him and probably hurting him.

Thoughts is all thats left with me

2009-12-25T00:53:00.004+05:30

I have two reasons for my long hiatus... first of all I had nothing to write about and second of all, I didn't had enough time to write whatever little I had. I know its been long since I updated my blog and I missed it dearly, an ardent listener I can ever have. For now, I am back with my share of frustration and agitation.

A glimpse in life says, things are routine, including the banging of conscience... I have this never ending work piled up in office... badly/hardly able to manage my account... getting restless... pissed of with ppl around. In short, life is screwed, LOL!!!

Anyways, I'll update other things in detail later, but today I am here to write or rather say something to someone. Someone I know would read this wherever they are (or probably reading it as I type). Few lines that couldn't sum up my feelings for YOU:

Far from sight, beyond thought,

you stepped the road that never tread back.

lonesome you left us in journey of life

breaking the promise of standing beside

knowledge of life stopped me from looking for you

still, ahead and afar, I know our paths will cross

And then, I will ask something I am unworthy of

yet for the greedy person I am.

i donno what feeling it is... i tried sorting out my feelings for you and every time i did, my thoughts went to MGM and there they stood listening to that creepy hallow sound of ... i am feeling miserable, helpless. i tried convincing myself that its fate yet there are innumerable times when I thought of what I would have done had I been there... you have to answer me... i knw it wasnt in your hands and I cant question the will of Allah... i was stupid and i am... i never knew the importance... i miss you.

tricks and tips

2009-10-07T00:10:00.005+05:30

I still didn't forget the tone with which someone said to me "Ahh... back with your tricks again". I donno, may be you were right, I did something before but it wasn't a trick,it was a casual moment of fun, that's it. And today, what I said wasn't meant to be a casual fun thing even, it was a matter-of-fact thing, which I felt. I cant say how much I wished to say "okie, if you think this is a trick then have it your way, do it" but something in me doesn't let me say so. what am i suppose to do then, feel more guilty, and I know your answer would be "NO", which irritates me even more. Because of you, I am in confession mood, all the time. And I dislike myself for sounding desperate, needy, pathetic, idiotic, n weak, all at one time, because of you.

sometimes, there is no meaning in trying to make sense out of senseless things, things that I let you do and things that I can never let you do. Hope you understand someday that I cant really play tricks with these things.

block heads

2009-09-26T13:11:00.006+05:30

I am getting irritated quite often these days. ppl doesn't really have manners or sense and their questions get me on my nerve. Its good to be curious and to know about things but why don't ppl limit their curiosity to Gk. I really don't understand what someone has to do with my reason of not fasting for few days? They aren't my best friends either to be overly concerned and know if I am not really well or what ever. And then there are ppl who don't know where to show the attitude (being materialistic is another matter, I don't even consider it to be something you should be proud of). I thought I was little rude to them but seriously they deserve the boot. Yet an another kind is reckless, who don't have the minimum manners. I don't understand what the heck they think about themselves. they are ..... I wanted to write something else too but I don't want to give any damn explanation to someone.

By the way, all the above victims (as one of my friend call them) are men, obviously. Sometimes men can be real idiots or who knows they pretend to be so? They don't even have the sense of what to talk and what not to, besides this they expect us to laugh at their awfully idiotic sense of humor. Huh... I know everything I wrote doesn't really make sense to everyone else except the fact that I am getting furious and ppl whom it make sense doesn't read my blog, better don't.

Ah... apart from that, 2lc n me met Sri yesterday, her daughter is pretty, she is just 7 days old, and she was sleeping all the time. Me n 2lc tried irritating her as much as possible, because I wanted to see her with her eyes open. when she is too much irritated she would start crying and we would stop irritating her then but the moment we stop she would get back to sleep in a sec. Another exciting thing is, A.R.Rahmaan concert is being held in Hyderabad and I wanna go. Nothing is decided but the tickets are open. There are different range, minimum being 500 and maximum being 25000 rps. But the price of ticket is dependent on the place it seem, I checked bookmyshow for tickets in Hyderabad, and they aren't offering 500 rps, their starting price is 1k, I wonder if its even there or not.

What else... finally I watched friends (5 episodes) yesterday, I am yet to complete all the seasons. I have to pay my bsnl bill but glued to the idiot box and the system. Planning to go for a movie tomorrow, so have to finish the chores today. Have to finish few posts that are pending from yesteryear but that's not gonna happen for another year or so. Well... that's it I guess, Happy Weekend, Happy Dassera :).

P.S: Every word I wrote here is my opinion and guess I am entitled to have one, it has got nothing to do with anyone and any resemble is purely co-incidental. These days ppl don't even have the right to express their opinions, and hence this dis-claimer :D.

BFF

2009-09-04T10:30:00.014+05:30

Needless to say, t-todo, s-todos, r-todo, deep (spl courtesy for asking not to mention the name ;), long back though), and me are best friends. I totally agree like everyone else we too have many differences but we do have few things in common that glued us together :). At first, when we met, we all had, though not very definitive but kind of vague ideas of how our friends should be. But as our bond grew stronger our ideas were no where to be seen (:P) and we are completely aware of the other side of the coin and are still friends. Now we don't mind much when t-todo gets angry, d-todo forgets something, n-todo gets late, or s-todos are busy. Something very interesting happened over the last weekend, that surprised me first but was shocked later. It made me think, best friends ila kuda untaara ani, guess untaaru ;).

Last weekend t-todo was at my place and as usual we didn't do much or shall I say I didn't let her do much. I think I don't have to mention separately that we slept @ 2am woke up @ 12pm kind of things, that's obvious anyway. t-todo was here to spend her Saturday with me and next day, i.e on Sunday we planned to visit s-todo's home, it was her birthday. On Saturday eve, we were chit-chatting, and in between I said to t-todo, next month on your birthday I guess I wont be available here. For that she said neither me , its coming on weekend i think and asked me to checkout the calendar. I checkout out and said you birthday is 22nd right, that's Tuesday. she looked at me and I was shocked and said "isn't it on 22nd?" she nodded her head saying no :(. I was like what the heck, how can this be possible, and I re-checked the calendar, it clicked to my mind that she said its on some weekend, my next best guess was 13th? She said, "I thought its only deep, you too?" I was feeling terrible and very firmly I decided that I'll think and think and think and will get to knw myself but wont ask anyone abt her bdate. So I tried hard and for the whole Sunday I kept thinking and finally on Sunday after returning home I said to her, "its sep 5th right". That's it, ayya baboi aa chupu... I felt so idiotic, not just for guessing wrong but to guess after 2 wrong attempts, I know how touchy girls are regarding dates.

So finally next day I made a call to s-todo and I spoke to her casually at first and later on said,

me: I have something to say, provided you'll not reveal the same to t-todo.
s-todo: okie, whats that?
me: Isn't it t-todo's bday on 22nd sep?
s-todo: yes, why?
me: (I immediately made up and said) Ohh... nothing, I was just little confused
s-todo: yea, her bday is on 22nd... hmm... or probably 23rd
me: No its not 23rd for sure
s-todo: yea, you are right, t-todo's bday is on 22nd sep and yours in on 10th oct
me: Ossaye, nee ...
s-todo: (interrupting me immediately) no no no, 10th is raj's bday, right
me: yup, but tell me when is my bday
s-todo: its in oct ma
me: yea, when in oct?
s-todo: aade le, oct lo ne nee bday raj bday, inkem chestunnav cheppu?
me: Huh... oct lo ne naa bday, yea.. you are right (and we both laughed).

I couldn't stop laughing and I still when ever I think of it. So, its not just me, even s-todo is joining the bandwagon :P. I am not being defensive, but I know ur bday, its just that you played with my confidence level and point to be noted, she still dont know my BDAY :O or probably she already made a call to you guys :).

good times...

2009-08-26T06:44:00.006+05:30

my trip to home was good n I thoroughly enjoyed it. Me n dad were singing "Dhan Ta Nan" from Kaminey movie all the time. I like that song even more now. Dad was all praise for serial(s) mom n de watch, especially the one with background music of dhoom tan na na dhoom ta na na dhim ta na ta dhim ta na na ... Dad said at one time the leading lady was abt to decide something and she took a whole week to do that. All through the week, the only things that happened was that background music and zooming in/out of faces.

I gave a glimpse of my life here to dad and When I said to him abt my lifestyle n schedule, he was particularly unhappy. Discipline is one thing where I am at the opposite end with mom n dad. In fact I think, any damn lawyer on earth can prove me not to be daughter of my parents and can win a case solely based on this difference. Anyway, dad asked me "What are your office timings, the one you follow?", I said 10 or 11 am. He was like 10 or 11 kya??? I said to him that means I am early to office :P.

He said to me then, "Go early to office by 8 or 9AM, the best thing is you'll have plenty of time to work and you wont make many mistakes under pressure of time. And even if you make any mistake, you'll have enough time to resolve it". Huh... I know I am not a kid (and should be knowing it myself) but I like it when dad talks to me like this. I am trying to follow but heaven knows how successful I'll be.

Another thing is, Ramzaan has started already. I am fasting today too,fourth day in row. Its nice, but I would love to be at home during this time. I miss the iftaar when everyone sit together and pray.

Kaab

2009-08-24T07:05:00.009+05:30

Kaab is my nephew. He is the cutest baby I have seen (I feel almost same abt most of the babies I have seen). There is one thing I have to say about him, since he is just a month old baby, he doesn't really understand anything we say. He cant even make out if we are tryin to make him laugh or something else. But, he gives a very cute, really little, smile when something goes in his mind on its own, and that's the sweetest thing I have ever seen. Most of the time, I keep staring at him, like phir kab smile karega ye and all of sudden out of blue moon he'll give that zillion bucks smile. Other best thing in him is, he is very calm, and most of the times, he stare at surroundings with eyes wide open. He is cute N calm just like me!!!

Heavy feather

2009-08-08T01:56:00.006+05:30

I have read generosity can kill people but today I knew why is it so. I almost started disliking me for being the way I am. For being selfish, for just taking the things but never giving what the other one wanted. As this itself isn't enuf the other person is too good to me (I would have hated them otherwise though), despite all this. Despite me being monstrous. I didn't speak abt it because I can never tell this to anyone nor I can accept I am not really as good as I put up. I know I don't have to explain to anyone or give justification to anyone. But I really wanted to do something to the other person. His generosity coupled with my own guilt was too heavy a burden to carry. And I did something I wasn't comfortable with but thought, for some stupid reason, that the other one might like it. And then I was said, " Don't do things because of your own guilt, its no good to me" and I bursted off.

No one can be good or bad for too long, I am waiting for them to get frustrated, which they are bound to, and then turn vice and then I'll be happy, for my behavior towards them will be justified in my own eyes then.

:)

2009-08-07T03:07:00.006+05:30

em... I got a compliment, of course its not new, ppl just cant stop complimenting me, you know its hard not to appreciate the beauty, only jealous ppl dont. When someone said to me, "Your dress was good yesterday, and its not just the dress, the way you were looking was good". Usually I'll be like, "really, was I looking good (so good that you observed me?), you liked it (read me)" but today I checked out myself and cautiously kept a cordial smile on my face and said "O, thanq". I didnt wanted to sound like those stupid gals who go mad just for compliments. I didnt wanted to be obvious.

X for?

2009-08-06T07:34:00.002+05:30

Call @ 6am:

Dad: utthti hain?

me: hume 7 ku utthte, daer se soye.

Dad: achcha, phir 7 ku call kartu.

me: okie.

Call @ 7am:

Dad:utthti hain?

me: hmm emm.

Dad: kitta zaldi 1 hr ho gaya nai.

me: hau.

Dad: utth ke bayt tee heen?

me: hume nai baythe lekin utth gaye.

Dad: utth ke bayt tee heen?

me: utthte hume, 5 mins.

Dad: utth ke bayt tee heen?

me: utthgaye hume (still sleepin on bed), hhm hhm huh.

Dad: Okie, recite this.

me: kya

Dad: A for Apple, B for Biscuit, C for Choclate, D for Dahi

me: E for Egg.

Dad: F for?

me: Fish

Dad: G for?

me: Gosht.

Dad: H for ?

me: hmm... halwa

Dad: Harees, haleem.

Dad: I for

me: Ice Cream , dad I am gettin hungry :) .

Dad: :), J for

Dad: X for

me: hmm... (scratchin head)

Dad: X for

me: dont know dad.

Dad: okie, lets finish y and z.

me: okie.

Dad: Y for

me: em ... yeast ?

Dad: hmm... Z for?

me: whats there with Z dad?

Dad: the final touch, Zam Zam.

me: Wow.

Dad: Abhi need aati hain?

me: No, I have to learn what can I eat with X?

Dad: :), okie then beta, uttho.

me: (sitting on bed) baytgaye hume :).

Dad: Rakhtu mein phir.

me: Allah Hafiz Dad.

A is always ahead of B (:P).

2009-07-26T01:58:00.006+05:30

I am done with reading of Romeo & Juliet but just the reading part of it, I am still in love with Romeo & Juliet. I have started reading "What if everyone knew your name". Its getting difficult to take that book to office and hide it from every one's eye for the message it has. The least I want is someone from office reading that message. The book says we can choose the destiny of Haley Miller, the High school wanna be chic. And all along you are offered choice like, if you want Haley to do this go to page x or to make her do that go to page y. Its like a management course we have in office that was suggested by my Sr Praveen and I already did that course. So I know what the book will be, but I'll read it, I'll finish it.

Daily Dose contd...(Over Dose ?)

2009-07-20T22:23:00.007+05:30

Yea, I was talking abt Bruce Willis. I like him to an extent that I think I'll try to meet him if he visits Hyderabad. When I watched Die Hard 2, I felt bad after a scene where in, he uses the airport fax machine and the gal at reception offers him to have a drink with her then he shows the ring in his ring-finger and says I am engaged. I was sad bcoz he might say the same if I offer a drink to him :(.

I cant give details, But I tried something that was pending for so long, I didn't like it (?) but I am HAPPY to try it. I didn't felt good over some one's reaction abt this. Because, their behavior made me think, in a way that, "Yea, may be if they had reacted in a similar way, when I thought of doing that, I wouldn't have touched it and ...". And I didn't like this thought, someone is trying to influence me - NO. I cant let it happen and that's why I was adamant and stubborn to accept, Sony's music is better than Ipod's. But the other person sensed it [does this mean I am being too obvious???], and said, "Nasheeda compare genuinely, don't say Sony's music is bad because you don't want to agree with me". I gave up but only this time, and thats solely because the other person was right. These days I am playing T.T. in office, its okie, but I feel little bad because which ever side I take, they loose the game because of me. But I cant help it, I am still a novice.

I haven't spoken to someone since a fortnight, Mind you, I am not counting my days rather I am saying, Look I didn't SPEAK.

Satish is getting married. I really don't know should I be feeling happy for him or not, because he'll be loosing his freedom. But I know, its a good thing for him. Ravi brought a plot near shamshabad, and Its also a good thing for Ravi.

One of my friend said I lost that zing in life, I am not the same Nasheeda I use to be. Other said that I am being too harsh in my blog, and when my friend said that, I was like "Harsh feelings harsh se nai sarka abhi kaisa likhte and by the way thats what I was feeling about them", after sayin it I understood I answered more harshly to him, for no fault of him. He suggested I should have induced some kind of comedy in between. Probably I should have written about my victim this way:

Woh toh, Khane ke saamne jali hui daal rakh ke khata hain, aur logoun ko kehta hain ki woh daal ke saath khana kha raha hain.

Woh toh aisa hain ke, In-house project pe client details poochta hain.

Woh logoun se har cheez teen baar karne ko kehta hain kyunki Usse har cheez teen baar karne ki aadat hain, ek baar mein kaha kuch kar sakta hain woh.

What say ma, Can I shout at ppl this way?

daily dose

2009-07-18T10:02:00.006+05:30

Good news first, I keep forgetting it otherwise, My eldest sis gave birth to a baby boy. They both are healthy and happy, Maash. Another thing is, I am allowed to take music player in my office. I just wanted to say, I like Sony X-Series Walkman ;).

Its been really long since I wrote something on personal front. I am good, happy and back to normal. My swimming classes were utter flop, the pool is in repair since I joined :D. My french learning took a back seat - no its in Dicky, as a matter of fact. I am back in touch with Ralph, and working with him compensates and balances my frustrations with others. Ralph is the one who interviewed me for Verizon, and I am impressed by him right from the day one. The kind of knowledge he has, the way he thinks and his uber cool attitude, makes me admire him more than I want to. I tell you this incident that happened more than 2 years ago. It was the time, when Naveen, Prashanth, Chaithanya and me newly joined in Verizon. Naveen was testing remote login from my system, and just then Ralph pinged Naveen. He said, "Naveen, can you do me a favor?", Overwhelmed (as always with Ralph & .......) I responded to him, saying "Sure" and immediately he replied, "Boy, don't nod your head like a Buffalo without knowing anything", that's it, I called Naveen and moved aside. That's the best I could do. Ek woh din tha aur ek aaj ka din hain, kuch nahi badla, we (Naveen, Praveen, Chaithanya, and of course ME) still dont have instant answer to any of his qns nor we know how to respond to him without scratching our heads hard.

These days I am working on masking of sensitive data, and Ralph is suppose to review the code, and that's how we got in touch again. And for the same, I wrote a minimal alg to replace sensitive useless fields with all Xs as a basic step. And when I sent the script to him, Ralph said "I'll be counting all the Xs, ;)" and I sent a blushed smiley in response to his wink ;). Now I feel stupid but then I was probably blushing. He is a great guy to work with, there is so much to learn from him. He can prick all those lazy cells in your brain. When ever I chat with him, I leave office with a happy feeling of learning something new that day. Though I admire him, I am jealous of him, I am jealous for the kind of knowledge he possess and I am jealous because I cant even compare myself with him. When I said the same to Chaithanya and Praveen, Chaithanya was like, "don't be jealous Nasheeda, his experience is more than your age" and Praveen is like, Yea I know, these days you are getting Jealous (I heard what he didn't say but knew it) :).

I am getting mad abt Bruce Willis, I saw Die Hard 1,2 & 3. You know, all the Die Hard versions are made for Bruce Willis, he carries the whole movie on his super strong shoulders :P. Usually I hate such movies, where in you make a movie to show that the Hero can fight, dance and cry. samples include Chandni Chowk to China, & Chirutha. But you see, Bruce Willis carried the movie rather movies so well that I loved him even more.

OMG, Its 11.20, I am suppose to be in GVK centre at 11.30, for a get-together. Heavens, I'll continue later in the eve. b4n.

Je parle petit peu Francias.

2009-07-16T21:01:00.006+05:30

Je suis ca va watch (regarder) Die Hard.

Hell's bells

2009-07-12T23:05:00.003+05:30

Today I saw a glimpse of a wicked one, so wicked that for once I realised no one ever justified the word as it did. The one who dominated in everything I did or ever thought of and yet gave me, no hint not even a slightest one about itself. The one who besieged me not just when I was alone but also in crowd. The one who, today, made me see myself in the most filthiest part one can ever be.

I want to write about that wicked person as much, but I am already running well behind my so called self-imposed schedule. But sure I am gonna pull that one out asap.

Je aime

2009-06-27T01:19:00.004+05:30

I got down from the cab near the chow-raasta, the traffic was heavy as usual. I bought few vegetables and walked past the food store to the side lane. The lane is too small for the two-way it is. It was not just crowded with ppl but also with vehicles. Everything bumping into another and the constant honking and the fruits stalls on the already cluttered edges. Yet I liked the road and the surrounding, for the way it is. Actually when my sis searched for a home, I didn't like this area for the same reason. But that was almost 3 years back. 3 years isn't a big time, to get habituated to your surroundings? Probably yes, no or may be truly I donno. I think I got habituated to it because I didn't plan for it nor I ever thought, "okie, I should be living here so lets get used to it" karke, it happened naturally. I remember, not so long ago, when I was offered the choice, I choose to walk and the other person too loved walking. But they loved walking in a peaceful place with just trees, bushes and flowers around and what did they said exactly, "I love enjoying the nature in solitude". I too do that, but I am okie with this too. I am okie to give that expression of "You Idiot, seede nai chal sakte" when someone cross my way, sometimes I think too loud too :D. It makes me feel good to tweak and twist myself while walking in these lanes. I sometimes test my concentration level in these lanes. My friend said (not directly though in this context) they have lot to offer, but I am too ignorant to observe them. Today I passed through one of these lanes and for some strange reason I actually felt happy.

Today something else happened too. Today someone looked at me differently. So differently that I think I'll remember them for this day, for this look.

je suis de retour

2009-06-23T21:52:00.008+05:30

Its idiotic but I thought I'll not update my blog until I successfully give up the "so called" bad habit I acquired recently. And in this process, I missed my blog like hell. Its been almost a month (just 2 days behind) and every time something happen around I would think I have to update it but then I had to drop it off thinking of the other thing I have to give up. I think I am attached to my blog so much, that since 2 days I was feeling like I haven't spoken since ages. Now that I am working in office (I can see those raised eyebrows) and for some reason my call flow is also reduced, I am gettin crazy without bloggin. Its like a punishment for me. Today, when I was discussin it with someone I realized what the heck, Nasheeda is changing her ways, and that too for something like this. That's it, the moment it clicked my mind, I knew I am gonna resume my writing, I cant compare my habit of bloggin with something stupid. And I am back (that's what the title means in French) with the gibberish. I am learning french alphabets, grammar and pronunciation. Their pronunciation is little tricky and difficult. I was surprised to know so many words presumed to be English were actually French. Like blond(e), brunette, tete-a-tete, vis-a-vis, haute, petite, rendezvous, etc.

Good thing is Summer is gone, the sun seem more merciful, so much so that I have stopped (almost) going in auto. On my trip to my sis home a fortnight before, I met wonderful ppl. Their enthu and the right attitude with which they carried themselves were contiguous. They were elegant may not be in their appearance but certainly in their deeds. My Nephew is growing up and gettin smart. hau lo, nai lo, nanu hain na, nanu mujhe kukure laate na, ... he don't speak them, he sing his sentences :). I am reading Romeo & Juliet and learning French again, those were the things I left incomplete, I am like back on track. And now, I am planning to join swimming or Shiamak Davar's Dance Academy, mostly next week. I could have said, I have stopped wasting food completely if not for the veg-burger I had from Coffee Day today. I was particularly hungry yet I couldnt finish it, it was terrible, in fact terrible is an under statement.

2lc I read your blog after you left my place. OMG, I missed the chance to say all the nasty things. Honey I would love to see more of you, when are we meeting again :P? I had a tiff with my friend, ma, all I have to say is sometimes things just fall apart, there is nothing you or I can do. I am not reducing the value of our friendship, there are few things I can never agree to disagree without being disturbed. Its not actually being disturbed, Its like whenever I think of talkin to you or I take your call, all the stupid things line up on my mind. I know they are nothing in comparison to the good times we spent and shared but they are there. I tried being and more importantly sounding good while talkin to you today, no use. I wish this is the rough patch or the bad phase we are going through, as you said.

Now when I read my post to re-check, I think I am not as elusive I am suppose to, should improve my writing skills :D. Anyway, I am hungry, gotta go. G'Nite All!!!

hurt

2009-05-25T23:30:00.003+05:30

When I said it will hurt me [in my earlier post], it hurt. More than me, it hurt someone else. May be I should be happy, because now someone whom I thought was testing my will power, is actually thinkin of helping me. I am happy, for someone is scratchin their knees finally [:P] but I was happy to dislike myself for liking it. Now, for some silly reason [I have this habit of doing things I am warned against] I think it will be difficult to resist the resistance. The more I think of it, the more concrete plans I make to break it, the more it lingers on my mind. So... lets see, what happens.

Today, I forgot for a moment that I have no right to get angry, gettin angry means more expectations which I don't want. And when I understood it I thought I'll pamper myself with a donut and a drink. But I couldn't, because I was offered something more tempting, so I got tempted ;). I'll have it tomorrow anyway :).

But one thing I say for sure, I am happy today, Maash. And Hello, don't you dare think its because of YOU.

daily dose

2009-05-24T21:34:00.005+05:30

Hmm... Right now I am watching IPL. I am not a fan of cricket but since Deccan Chargers (D.C) are playin (maadi tenali meedi tenali... Nativity matters) and since its finale, I am hooked to T.V. D.C 143 for 6. Kingfisher's turn to bat next.

I am glad I could send the draft for "Suggest some" post, to thulasi. Its been pending since long. What else, on thulasi's encouragement, I cooked dal. It was nice but I should accept with a pinch of salt k tadke mein woh baat nahi thi jo honi chahiye thi.

I thought I'll visit some of the dance schools near by but I couldn't find anything good to see. I am thinking of either joinin the dance class or buyin a guitar to make myself busy.

Selfish

2009-05-23T02:08:00.006+05:30

Okie, I am selfish and am a _____. I am just a human, so what if this is an excuse. Why should I have to think about others when they aren't concerned themselves. I didn't go for anything, things came to me. I knew am gonna suffer and what if I am prepared to. what if I am okie with my sufferings. Why should I be guilty of anything, when I am not forcing it. Why should I run away and hide myself from my friends and family. I know, I have to pay the little innocence left in me in return and... it hurts me.

So, I made it clear, even today, I am not here to reach some one's expectation. I can never do that. I realised it. I am not the person I thought I can be. And I am happy, I am just the way I was. But yea... it will take time to get back to normalcy. But its okie, I think everything is okie as long as I am okie with it :). And I am okie with it. I'll not force it, I'll neither avoid it and I'll not accept it either.

daily dose

2009-05-20T23:08:00.005+05:30

After a long time today I cooked, I knw its not a big deal at the age of ... (aaa cheptaaru) but whats great is, it was mouth watering, lip smacking and finger licking. I am sayin because its very rare that I feel so for vegetarian food. And when I had garama garam chawal, teekha bharta with omelet, I was like smmmmmsssssssaaaaaaaaaaah :P. So I had my bellyful.

I am gettin quite upset with everything around. I donno sometimes ppl are just irritating. pchtchh. I donno what to say or write but I am stoppin here right now. First thing, I don't want to think abt it and be in same mood, secondly John McClane, NYPD cop [Live Free or Die Hard (4)]. I just love his guts, his istyle :). He is back on star movies ;).

Daily dose

2009-05-13T22:36:00.009+05:30

I donno about my work [I just think abt my work in Oct or Apr, that's when I have to submit my performance letter :D] but I am enjoying at office. Maash, I am glad every thing is normal and smooth and I am having good time at office. I have put on weight which is pretty obvious if you are going for luncheon every alternate day and still there are so many parties pending by Naveen, Chaithanya and Jayaram. Yesterday we went out for lunch to "Windows of the World", in short WoW. But I tell you, its only the name that's wow, the food is like ... quite opposite to it. Our manager didn't join us, so when we were back to office he asked everyone, howz the food. And guess what, when I said its not good, he was like... I'll consider your opinion last. What the heck, how can he say that to Nasheeda, and I gave that puzzled expression. He immediately said [corrected, I guess I am entitled to feel anyway I want], you usually don't like anything, you have some or the other thing to complain. He added, this is the problem with kids whose mom is a good cook. Pchtch. I tell you, I am very flexible, adaptive but I just cant eat that half cooked Chapathi, tasteless dal without salt and mirchi and those curries, whether its butter paneer or kadai paneer or corn mushroom masala or corn peas masala... every thing tastes the same. And the raita, they put cucumber in raita, it reminds of that T.V ad where in you put different things in Refrigerator and the smell mix up, its just irritating. You know, daily I am the first one to shout "Akali" in my cubicle. After entering into the cafeteria, half of my hunger goes off when I see the menu and the items and other half vanishes once I have my first bite. Today during lunch, I again had trouble finishing it completely. Naveen advised me, Nasheeda why don't you learn cooking it will be good for you, I am saying this out of experience [he got married recently:P]. As always I said, I know cooking, its just that I don't cook but I know cooking and I looked at my Sr. He smiled [*$#)~!%&] and said, I do remember your status msg where you compared your cooking with modern art [I once wrote this in my status msg: My cooking is like modern art but in modern art at least the artist knw what is being made, what tragic is sometimes I have no idea what I am making :D] so I am not sure, may be you should do start[so you see he does remember my status messages :)]. Anyway, one thing is confirmed either I should learn cooking or should learn eating [anything ;)] but you see neither of them is a solution actually.

Me and Praveen at office thought we should take up something new so as keep life colourful. Everyone else in our team is held up in some or the other work [thats an inoffensive way of me saying rather accepting they are busy], Naveen is recently married, Srini is leaving for U.S, in fact he must be in airport now, I donno Chaithanya's reason and Jayaram is a Manager [that's the reason babe :D]. And you should note, Praveen and me both are Librans and so... Praveen said he is getting interested in tailoring and I was like nooooO. Our expressions exchanged when I said Salsa dancing. Later our manager entered into picture and suggested Bungee jumping, Paragliding and rock climbing. But you see, you cant do things like this regularly [that's once in a week].

Ppl, I am already behind my schedule and feeling sleepy too so we'll continue tomorrow but before I sign off, I want to share this info. Teesh [satish], one of the best friend from B.Tech gang is getting engaged tomorrow. Congratulations from all of us Dear!!! See you tomorrow woops today eve :).

A fling to cling.

2009-05-10T21:03:00.003+05:30

I could see those raised eyebrows over the title but I warn you there is nothing interesting and in fact you might find it inappropriate. Ahem... I still decided I'll name it that way and it’s not accidental.

For the past one week I was constantly banged and was practically nailed to the wall from both the worlds, from the good and the bad, from the conscience and the ... Of course I choose the wrong way despite continuous warnings over and again because it was easiest. It was easy to hurt your loved ones rather resist temptations. I excused myself saying it was only human to be frail. I wanted to clear things when I wasn't clear myself. I was in trance, intoxicated like a drunkard who donno what is being said and what its impact will be. It isn't an excuse in fact it’s because of this nasha the whole thing started off. All along I was proud for not fighting with someone I knew past 8-9 years, we still didn't fight, we just agree to disagree but it left a scar on hitherto smooth turf. The comfort level was shaken, I could see what a grave mistake I made. No it wasn't mistake, a SIN. I was just a dumb head, someone out there was shouting and screaming not to go the wrong way and I just ignored it and for what. That's what beats me now [when everything is over and done?], for what??? I was just being a kid, I want it matlab I want it, it’s not my job to think it’s good, useful, worthy, wise ... let the consequences be damned. Someone took my job and tried explaining me in every possible way but NO I won’t listen. Sweetie, I am not sorry anymore but I am awfully thankful for YOU being there, literally and helping me out even when I was rude. It takes a lot, a lot matlab a lot, to be calm and normal when things arn't. Thanq ma, this one is from direct dil se.

Good things don't get into my head easily. I know changing me is almost impossible, even after so many years of banging I am not punctual, how can I change over a week. It always happen to me, I choose the wrong way and realise it only when I am done with my mistakes. Anyway, by the time I realised it was too late, another scar added to my life too but they say (don't ask me who) it’s never late to do the good, so I gave up what wasn't good and now I am out of it, for the better.

What else, I am reading "Romeo & Juliet" and whenever I read it, I would always start right from the first page. Every word only augmented the already beautiful and left me spellbound over every line. Though I have more favourite lines that I would treasure, these lines pricked me, in a different way at different times. When I first read it, I didn't like them, I wasn't comfortable but now for the reason best known to me, I believe what Shakespeare wrote and benvolio said in "Romeo & Juliet":

Tut, man, one fire burns out another's burning,
One pain is lessen'd by another's anguish;
Turn giddy, and be helped by backward turning,
One desperate grief cures with another's languish;
Take thou some new infection to thy eye,
And the rank poison of the old will die.

P.S: I wanted to name the post "Right kind of Wrong" but it’s no more right kind, it’s just WRONG. Sweetie, ..... [U guessed it right] for making me realise this.

LUCKY ME

2009-05-05T22:35:00.004+05:30

Last weekend something crap got into my mind and I decided not to talk to anyone. Since it was weekend and I was home, I busied myself helping mom and runnin errands without leavin any time to think abt it. One of my friend warned me If I don't get back to normalcy I'll be sent back. I didn't understand I spoilt my holiday until someone said to me, I am thinkin of something I should be hating. After that I thought I am back to normalcy but it seems not, something new was awaiting me. I know I am not doing right thing but I don't say its wrong, not from my side at least.

Another thing is I found my watch, I misplaced it in my home. I wondered whose watch Pradeep found in his car. I called t-todo to say the same and was pleasantly - no happily surprised to know that they brought a new watch of same model and cooked up the whole story. Its not about gift or may be it was but the fact that they did so to see me happy made me happy. I have decided ma, I'll loose things in pradeep's car only & I am sure I'll find them too, somewhere in the car below the back seats or in the corner [:D] and of course t-todo will be the first one to know abt it :P.

I met t-todo yesterday and took my new watch :). If you seriously ask me I donno what to do with two watches that look exactly same but but but... I am not gonna give that to anyone, it was for me. Someone surprised me by askin for dinner. Of course I said NO. I didn't see any hesitation in their behavior but I am as helpless as the other person is. I only wish they understand this asap. I know I am rude but someone said to me I don't need to solve every one's problem though the instance was different I decided not to care much, its not my problem anyway.

sampt

2009-04-28T12:36:00.006+05:30

Thats what my younger sis use to say when she mean smart. And thats the word popped in my head when I thought abt my bossie. Today, I was assigned another crap work, I went in to my Manager's cabin to protest it and in-turn he made me feel it was the best work I ever got and this way I can know 'A lot' [should have seen his expression] about things goin-on on VOIP side and this is the chance I have, to prove myself and this is the time to just push-in & move ahead and had I shown more interest and swiftness in my actions, I could have probably flown to U.S for on-site [:P] and blah blah blah... He didnt convince me but made me shut my mouth in awe. Probably, thats why he is a Manager. Sampt. I just thought writin in my blog might help me. Anyway, now I gotta go, to prove myself :D.

.....

2009-04-23T22:08:00.003+05:30

I didnt want to hurt anyone, I dont want to take advantage of anything over anybody, I have been thru those weaker moments so many times, I was just tryin to be normal. It was suffocatin, that silence was prickin me so i jst popped the question. I suppose I am not being normal thinkin I should be but how am I if someone is reactin in a different way each day. For some strange reason, it reminded me of my mtech days. I cant stand ppl who dont speak to me deliberately, its such a sick feeling.

P.S: I didnt do it to make you feel any of the above and I seriously wish you never see this post and get reminded of it. But if you are here, I am sorry.

Its nice...

2009-04-23T07:14:00.003+05:30

Its been long since I did night out and yea i do feel a slight head ache now but I guess its good. Obviously I was on call all through. And the best thing was, I was jst myself without being a pretender and the other person is okie with it though its not needed and I liked it.

Casual notes

2009-04-20T20:42:00.003+05:30

Today... I got late to office, see it wasn't my fault [actually its never my fault, these days I am likin this blame game], I waited at the bus stop for more than 1/2 an hour and in between I saw someone goin that way and I observed them, they were either too busy in their own world or too afraid to look at me. It was frustratin to stand at bus stop with sun rays piercing through every layer of skin visible. And I hate these auto waalas, they behave as if they are goin to sin-city instead of hitech-city. And guess, its not the customer who decides where to go its the Great auto waala and you are lucky if his decision matches with ur destination. My foot. I had an argument with the ONE who sits on my head. I asked them to come down and stand in bus-stop without any spl effects then they'll realise what the heck it is.

For the first time I felt as if I wasn't in office but in my college, in B.tech. The whole thing was so funny. I cant reveal much coz I suspect my colleague might read it. I knw they don't but they can, in case they want. Someone successfully avoided me without gettin in others eye. I donno how it would have been had they reacted in other way but I felt so childish may be because I might have done the same or may be because I am on the other side. This reminded me of my b.tech days. One of my batch mate was hell bent to make friendship with me that I hardly had an option. So finally we met formally through a common friend, and then he was so afraid that he was literally shakin, standing infront of me. I looked straight into his eyes and that made him so uncomfortable k he said, "Nasheeda please don't look at me that way, I am scared". No one was ever afraid of me that way. But today seem like someone is afraid of me (though not to that level) and they avoided me. I knw they were feelin bad but I donno what for, for their action or my reaction. I felt like askin them because we gonna see each other almost daily and for how long they can do this but then I thought, lets see for how long.

My Manager didn't ask to update my status, so I saved my Million Dollar smile :P. My Sr, praveen brought gamin console from U.S which is 30k but it seems worthy. Its interactive and playin with it is so fun. I could see that when he was sayin.

At home, I have this daily status update call with dad. Since a couple of days, I had nothin to update and whenever I had something I updated it to mom. Usually its mom's dialog but for the first time ever dad asked me yesterday if I have forgotten him. My mom is like every one's mom, who wants her daughter to be a best chef in world, who should knw how to take care of everyone in the family, who should be well versed in deeni-taleem etc ... but my father isn't like every other father, he is more liberal, more understandin, he knw how to fulfill those silly things I wish for, above all, he gave me the freedom to be myself. I called back immediately after my lunch yesterday but he was sleepin then and said he'll talk to me later. Today I spoke to him after my office hours. We spoke for an hour or so. I said to him, I voted for Lok Satta, He said Jay Prakash is sincere but I wasted my vote. I asked him, if he think Jay Prakash is sincere why don't he vote him. He laughed at me, it wasn't sarcastic one, he said may be you have done ur M.tech but in politics you are still in nursery. He said there is no chance of Jay Prakash winning for the simple reason k he isn't contestin from all constituencies. There is no one representin Lok Satta at my place. He said, every party is corrupted, you should be a fool if you believe if someone isn't gonna take advantage of his position. Every ruling party will loot the money this includes the party hez gonna vote for. But you got to choose someone, the best thing to do, is choose someone who not only eats less percentage of money but also uses the remaining money for the betterment of the ppl in a wise way. He gave a glimpse of which party did what while ruling. Those were the facts. He said, No party will ever miss the chance to highlight any small good thing they do and no opposition party will ever miss the chance to highlight any small- naa smaller bad thing others do. That's how politics are. But we as human being shouldn't go for highlights rather use our brains and understand who did what and who benefited from what. And its not necessary k you in person should be benefitted by every scheme. I felt good talkin to him. He never forces anything, and u knw I was observin throughout the discussion not even once he said, you should have voted to that party or you shouldn't have voted to that party. He reasons out the things and he shows me all the possible options I have and possible consequences accordin to the knowledge he gained through all these years but he never forced me over anything and that's the best thing in our conversations.

what else, I am gettin habituated to these muskmelon seeds. The moment I get some free time I start eatin them and they are there on floor in every room. Nothin more, its already late, So Good Nite :).

I got it, I got it, I got it!!!

2009-04-19T21:25:00.004+05:30

I found my watch, it was there in Pradeep's car, thank GOD. I almost believed I dont worth a single gift I own. Now you see, I am ready to accept new gifts, who wanna gift me, who raised those hands???

My Friday @ office was boring and routine. My Saturday wasn't so interesting either though I went out with my colleague for a very brief time. My net connection was down since Friday evening so there wasn't much to do. I delayed my bill payment and bsnl without delay blocked my net connection :P. U knw wut, most of the Saturday went into this thinkin... who am I, how am I, whoz close to me, what I want to do, why am I neglectin someone I shouldn't, why am insensitive or sensitive for wrong things... the usual introspection, as usual there wasn't any outcome, not the one I could write in my post. The other thing that I did was, listenin to this song "tenu le" from the movie "Jai Veeru". Here is the link, hear it if possible, u'll love it: http://www.songspk.pk/indian/jai_veeru.html

Today I met 2lc, 3d and chaitu (it would have been wonderful if chaitu's name could start with 4 :D) for lunch. And I had argument with my best friend, which isn't good. I got frustrated with someone, I wanted them to be like me, but later I realised its a foolish thing to expect and moreover NASHEEDA is unique, not everyone can be Nasheeda. By the way I got this compliment K Nasheeda is ... Nasheeda is ... a very romantic name, though its... but u see a compliment is always a compliment [:D]. I wanna confess, something spoiled my mind with freaking thoughts but I guess its good to be spoilt sometimes ;).

I gotta go to bed now because I dont want to get late to office tomorrow and I want to see that first reaction to their own actions :P.

OMG!!!

2009-04-16T10:44:00.005+05:30

Something unexpected happened yesterday. But I said to them, its common to get attracted and temptations are hard to resist but you just cant give up like that to everything. I am not angry but I am uncomfortable. This wasnt even the least of all I could think.

I liked someone, and it was nice talkin to them but now I donno. I think I can make things better by being myself. By not avoiding and not over-reacting, by being normal, the way I use to be, unless they start something new.

I misplaced my wrist watch, my birthday gift. I am such a bad & irresponsible gal, If I dont find it in another 2 days, I have decided I'll punish myself by not accepting any gifts for a couple of months, however tempting they be. But as always, rules are subjected to change :D.

Aah... Louzy me. We have a holiday today, so that we can vote and I havnt done with it. By the way, this is my first vote :P.

Have to finish office work too, kabhi nahi sudhroongi mein, last minute changes will always be there for me.

daily dose

2009-04-13T23:56:00.003+05:30

Today I did something I wasnt expected, expected by me. When I was doing that I didnt let my mind have a debate and win over me. When I did, I did not thought its right or wrong, actually most of the time, I dont view things in white and black, right and wrong. I always thought, right and wrong was for society, i always did what i liked and am glad mom and dad gave me enuf freedom and this is one of the reason I am afraid of doing few things. I didnt want them to feel k I mis-used my freedom. But today I did that without thinkin and the only reason is I want to let my fear go.

Another thing is, I could see this, I am gettin quite greedy and irritatin. even the smallest mistake irritates me. I cant stand idiots anymore. I am greedy, I want almost everything.

Today, I formally parted with something I like, because I know I am not gonna use it in any near future and I wanted to give that to someone spl because it is special to me.

There is one good thing I have to share with, I am in love. Yes, it was love at first sight. I was mesmerized, and the moment I realised it, I searched abt his work and gathered everything, I could lay my hands on. I read things again and again and I knw I am gonna repeat it.

Summer Vacation [contd...]

2009-04-12T16:40:00.006+05:30

29th March Guntakal:

I was the last one to wake up. Mom assigned me chopping of raw Mango for Mango chutney which was eventually done by De. Mom, once again declared, whoever marries me will have his breakfast for lunch and lunch for dinner. Dad said good-bye to us much earlier as he had to go to near-by village, to attend his best-friend's grand-daughter marriage. Since dad wasn’t home, we [read me] took our own time in getting ready and had to leave to station in hurry.

At station, my uncle and his family [mom's brother, his wife and 3 children] along with other cousin [mom's sis daughter] were already present. After a usual Tête-à-tête, we all checked our tickets and counted the luggage. After 10 min, train entered the station with its usual blow-ur-ear-off siren. We were boarding Guntakal to Mumbai train. At Mumbai, we have to catch another train that goes to Ajmer. Since we did our reservation lately we ended up in a different compartment. We got in respective compartments, settled our luggage. I stood at the doorway, listening to the usual warnings: careful, luggage, money, expenses, food, health... I got down from train; mom screamed out and started a new list of warnings. I just hugged her and got in. I said not to worry. I looked at mom and we both smiled. Train started at 1.30 pm.

The connection between our compartments was open, so we were movin to and fro all the time. Later when we discovered T.T is my uncle’s friend we shifted our seats to same compartment on request. From then we had a gala time. My uncle has 3 sons. Junaid, the eldest is in his 9th grade and he is like any other boy of his age, always ready to prove himself big, given a chance. Abul, the second one is more humble, he is like ideal one. He is the only boy in his class who is in top 5 in both studies and games. He loves playing basketball and is a dance maniac. Rumaan, the younger one is the naughtiest of all of them and wants everything he eyes on. He said he’ll marry my cousin but when I offered him juice [cool drink is juice in his language], he decided he’ll marry me :D. I thought he’ll change his mind after havin it. But to my surprise he remained loyal to me throughout the trip :P. He is just in his nursery. He is fan of Sharukh Khan, John Seena [a wwf wrestler it seem] and gajni [aamir khan, only in gajni :D] and tries to be like them. Sabera, [mom’s sis daughter] also joined us. She did her inter. She is talkative and her speed always surprised me. In this regard, I always think, 2lc and she should have been my mom’s daughters. Mom is like Rajdhani, and me like some passenger train, no-goods train :D.

We all caught up with old days. I was surprised to know that I like “Made in India” song to an extent that I said to my aunt k it will be the first song I’ll have it in my player. We talked abt everyone’s childhood and laughed at our stupidity. We had our dinner early because we had nothing else to do. I brought “To kill a mocking bird” and “Crime and punishment” for time pass. After dinner, I read “To kill a mocking bird” until I was forced to bed by switching off lights as it was disturbing others.

Expectometer

2009-04-09T21:09:00.008+05:30

I am a kind of gal who expects a lot. I expect from ppl I know and ppl I don't know. And this is why I end up hurting myself more. But can you imagine a relationship sans expectation, any relationship. I bet it will be suffocating because whatever you do or whatever you don't do, it doesn't matter because they arnt expectin a thing from you. Because its one and the same for them whether you do or don't.

Today someone rejected my gift sayin it doesn't matter to them. Somewhere don't the lane, they felt left out and since then they had decided they wont expect any gift from me and it doesn't bother them, whether I gift it or not. Have you ever thought why do you gift anything to anybody, I am not talkin abt those gifts you present because they did so on ur last birthday, formal kind. What you gift is a different matter but why do u gift has a simple answer, that's what I think. Because you want to see them happy. Whats the point in giftin when u knw it doesn't make a difference.

Someone said, even if I don't get them anything, it doesn't bother them. 99% because they know me and I value our relationship and its not all about gifts and 1% because they don't expect anything from me. It is true that I am giving more thought to that 1% but somehow that 1% blew off everything to hell. And guess what, they don't even believe that I brought something for them. After sayin all above and even more, they expect me to be the same, to value the relationship as before and never to reduce its value if not increased.

This is what I brought, though they said they won't take it, I am not ready to give it either. I'll keep it for myself. This shall be my expectometer. This will remind me, how much I should think of whom.

woahhh!!!

2009-04-08T20:17:00.006+05:30

Today I got up @ 7am or so I guess, somehow since my tour I am waking up early. The candle that I lit last nite was still burning, despite of the fan. I blew it off. There wasn't electricity last nite, not until I slept. I opened our balcony door and cool breeze swayed in. It was awesome, like spring in summer. Though there was nothin that can remind you of a spring, there was a feel of it. It was so good that I had a walk from mind space to my office.

Afternoon, we had a luncheon @ swaagath, sponsored by my Sr. My manager brought new Santro this Ugaadi. And we were right, red color was looking good in comparison with other colored Santro.

At office, I set one of my photo shot in Ajmer as my desktop background, which is my gtalk pic too. In the pic, I am laughing with complete set of teeth visible and one of my colleague commented sayin k I am laughin like some mad gal, whoz decided to attempt suicide and laughs one final time at herself and everything else. Everybody else joined him to tease me. I said to them, I liked it, and only I can see how happy I am in it and I wont change the desktop for another week :P.

There is one thing I didn't like, I donno why ppl cant understand simple things. What might seem silly for someone mite not be the same for others. pchtch, kab akhal aati ki ma logaun ku.

There is something else I have to say, though I cant reveal much like who said it n all. Someone said I am full of contradictions [this I agree] and they want to watch a movie with me, because they want to see my reaction while watching it. The thing is, the person who wants to watch with me forgot its name, so I have no idea what movie it is and I am of course curious to know the name. Or is it a deliberate amnesia, may be because I can find out about it earlier and may be then they cant see my true reaction??? well then ... lets see ;).

Summer Vacation

2009-04-07T07:10:00.010+05:30

After a long hiatus, I am back. The tour was good, exciting, mesmerising and a bit irritating. Thought would update now lest it will be forgotten like Kerala trip. Before starting, I warn you it’s time-taking, so read it in leisure.

27th Mar, Hyderabad:

After a brief shopping of necessary things, I left to my home town, Guntakal, on 27th night.

28th Mar, Guntakal:

I reached Guntakal @ 4 am. When I got down, I felt a bit un-easy because it’s been 4 months since my last visit and had I tried, I could have made it earlier. I had this feeling k I am not giving as much love, importance and care to my parents, I am suppose to. I had a kind of un-easiness to face them. All the crap was creeping in my mind. But when I saw Dad, every fear of mine vanished. Mom and De were sleeping when I reached home. It’s my usual habit to eat food after reaching home, whatever be the time. I had my food and pestered mom and dad with my usual qns. I and dad chatted for a long time and he was upset over my health. I have been neglecting it and it seems to be showing its effect. At 5 am, He got up sayin its time for prayer. He knew I was too tired for anything of that sort. He patted my shoulder, rocking me gently for sometime so that I can sleep. I said to him, I am not sleepy and want to do some walkin. He said, then I wont sleep at all but Its my wish anyway.

I went on to the terrace, that’s where I walk most of the times. I like our terrace. The coconut tree in front of our home covers the front side of it making it difficult for ppl on road to see us, savin us from those staring eyes. We share our terrace with our neighbours and they are constructing new home on their terrace. I didn’t like it; there will be no privacy, pchtch. I was already tired and my body was aching but I dragged my feet and walked till I saw dad standing at the corner of our home watching me in awe. He was quite upset when he understood I am not having enough sleep. He said, may be I am being pressurised at office. I laughed off his comments and when I explained my daily schedule, he was in complete dis-agreement over it.

I asked mom to make Upma for breakfast. I like only mom-made Upma. It’s very rare that I eat Upma outside, mostly when I have no other option. We all had our breakfast together. Later we all started preparation for journey. Mom made pickles, chutneys, sweets and almost everything that can stay a week under normal conditions. We took break only for lunch. Most of the work was done by Mom and De. By the time we slept it was 2 am.

P.S: Hope to continue it in next post.

casual note

2009-03-27T00:45:00.006+05:30

Its been more than a fortnight since I updated my blog. last time I got berserk and my earlier post explains it enough. The idea of givin time to talk is like too much even if its given by myself, I dislike ppl who gives me time. So, for a change, I decided I'll change. As part of this change I am waking up @ 5.30 AM daily, most of the days at least. But there is one thing I realised because of this so called change is k, most of my friends are members of this mutual-friendship-society which means, u give-I'll, u be good then I will and then there are friends who expect me to be good all the time and at one point I wanted to shout and scream k this is my life and I have every right to be bad or really mean If I feel like. I didn't like the way someone planned their trip, of course its their life and they can decide whom to meet when and for how long. So do I. of course I thought of going to office but had I been in a better mood I would have cancelled it and would have met my friend, though I still didn't go to office for some other reason, I didn't meet my friend. And... Its true, I have started loosing interest on some ppl whom I really really liked a lot. its no body's mistake, priorities change, ppl change.

I met a new friend, its strange to see strangers helping you, and at times like these I feel I am something more than jst being lucky, Maash. Attended my cousin's engagement, met my relatives and had a fine time. My work at office piled up badly coz of my laziness and left me nothing more than weekends for everything else. My weekends had nothin important or anything synonymous to that but its when I would love to be lazy and be my way, which can be, spendin the whole day in kitchen cooking jst rice and tomato curry or buggin friends with my gibberish and being with 2lc, I love when she is around. These days I am irritating 2lc, ( I would have felt the same had someone nagged me the way I do) today even more by askin her to be ignorant. I mean, she is a big gal and she know how to be with whom (much better than me), why should I say it. I knw everything they say boils down to emotional blackmail but I think its jst the right time for her though she has a better idea of what is right time for herself at least, Huh... look I am starting it again. When you love someone, you get mean at times, cant do much I guess.

Last Monday I left early from office. There is a new way being constructed near Infotech and its still under construction, I mean tar isn't laid out and only leveling of the ground is done. The road was deserted sans traffic, so I decided I'll venture it. Singing out loudly, I walked happily and carelessly until I faced a dog. For a moment I froze and the dog stopped too but jst for a moment then it started running towards me because it understood well k I am afraid, too intelligent. Jst then I saw a guy on bike, I immediately waved him. He showed me another way to go where there is traffic flowing and where dogs arn't this mad and intelligent. I was so petrified I thought k why this guy isn't askin me for lift so that I can jst hop on and run away from there. Of course I wont. I wasn't keen on the other way and stood there in the middle for a while. I wondered standing there why I am not afraid of cat, the only one I can get along, because It cant go mad like dog, it cant fly like those big cockroaches and insects irritating you, it wont run around eatin everything including ur fav dress and makin ur home a mighty mess like rat and it isn't creepy like lizard. Luckily a daily wager was coming that way, with his blue color cap, the one they wear while working, holding a typical music player they own. I guess everyone of them have it. I asked him to shoo off that dog. He assured me it wont do anything and then we both walked our way to main road silently with a song runnin in background. It was great.

Wut else, I went to Vijayawada for my Sr's (Sr at uoh and office) marriage and the trip was good. I am gettin along well with my team at office and I am liking almost every one of them. Maash, Its nice.

I am glad that 2lc gave me this book "To kill a mocking bird". Its very good. I am off to Ajmer next week and mite probably visit Agra too. I knw it will be hot with temperature soaring high. But that's okie, I really want to walk under that scorching sun. At first I wasn't really keen but later when things changed I knew I have to, you cant deny a call like that. I jst cant say how good I am feeling :).

Its time to sign off. Happy Ugaadi!!!

regfdgbvdbmrtgrfdsaEVgrttrftg7tjuyvgtrfeeqQcf

2009-03-05T01:02:00.002+05:30

Voila!!! I found it :). Mujhe pyaar hai tumse, ke jab bhi koi aahat ...

2009-03-01T04:17:00.000+05:30

I knw its pretty late but I was searchin, okie it wasn't urgent, it wasn't imp either and I cud have done it tomorrow but how can I wait untill tomorrow. There is a song, I have been wonderin since a couple of days, and today I decided I'll sleep once I am done with it. I knw the picturization, its abt a gal who wants to have a pic with her beau and she'll go to a photo studio, and was asked to wait as her beau doesn't get on time. All the while she keep watchin other couples gettin photographed and by the time the studio wraps up shez into tears and then the photographer kinda becomes her partner (at least while takin the pic :P) but I forgot the lyrics, and whenever I thought of it, I felt it was on tip of my tongue and it was there till I browsed n searched pages over pages of almost all the possible indi pop songs. And finally I found it, here is the link : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgJSyvw7fSs

By the time I found it, I felt hungry and this is contrary to the statements made by my frnd who said, If I stay late, my metabolism stops workin and the food cant digest and all the fat will find a permanent place in my body. I donno how much fat accumulated in my body for not sleepin and how much of food still in-digested but I am hungry (and makes me feel k my metabolism is shtill workin) and I had a glass full of milk. 2 glass milk a day, big deal I guess but I wasn't in a mood of eatin something solid (that means something that needs to be done).

Now, I am thinkin of not sleepin at all, anyways in a couple of hours its gonna dawn, probably then I'll sleep :D.

quick bite

2009-02-28T10:11:00.000+05:30

Its strange k I immediately didnt respond when someone said they hate me and I was surprised for not givin a thought. So finally when I hopped on my bed to sleep, I gave a thought, why ppl can possibly hate me, and too many reasons got into my head (and u thought i'll write them here, ammaa...). I can generalise in categories, one they dont like me (thats y they hate me), another my behavior doesnt go with their expectations/opinion of me.

Anyways, my weekend started off perfectly, I got up as early as 7.30 am and hit the road for a peaceful walk to seven tombs. When I cam back, somehow I looked at my T.V and I was guilty for neglectin it after gettin net. poor thing, it cant even complain. To get over my charges, I switched on the T.V and currently watching "We are Marshall" movie. its good and its Chak de India kind. And now, its time for my breakfast, its already late. Have a happy Weekend.

Apology Note

2009-02-21T01:58:00.000+05:30

I am sorry and I take back whatever I said in my previous post. And ... I promise to remain the kind of Nasheeda I was and will share everything (okie almost). I don't need to repeat it again and again but It seriously hurt ed me, but then when u said "I am not fine, naaku badha vestundi, what did I do to change ur behavior towards me, U'll hurt me if u change ur behavior and if you are thinking, ok le konni rojulu tarvata alavat aypotundi then avunu badha padatam alavatu cheskuntaanu, inka ikkada elago lonely ga untunna kada ala ne inko kastam add ayyindi anukuntaanu, kani naa paata nasheeda kavali naaku" I felt really bad. What have I done, how can I be so idiotic, how can Nasheeda do this, I am sorry to hurt you ma, I'll try to remain ur nasheeda, the happy one :).

dealings with feelings

2009-02-20T22:57:00.000+05:30

My Thursday was good, I did what I decided except for the ending. I wish my Thursday had ended in a different way and disliked myself when I behaved like some emotional fool but that's what I felt. I seriously didn't wanted Thursday to end. It was good ...

Just when i thought it was okie, someone pinched my heart by placing me 2nd on their list of favorites (i wish the other person had ordered the list alphabetically, at least that way I would have been first :P). Somehow, I always wanted to top that list, because it was very different and special to me. because my relationship with that person was very pure and there is no stupidity or non-sense in it. it was seriously dil-se thing. I felt so broken that i filled my heart with non-sense and spoke in a way that hurted the other person. I am sorry da, but I was helpless. It hurted me too much, because till date, whatever I did to you, did with all my heart, never once i did anything for u jst for the sake of it.

All this only added fuel to my feelings, and I wanted my Thursday back. I asked my colleagues if they can give back my thursday or at least make it Saturday rather. Naveen (my class-mate in m.tech n colleague @ office) suggested a simple solution, to have a sleeping pill and sleep for a sec, and when I wake up, it will be Saturday. I seriously wished if I could do this. I am lucky k got the chance to doze off in my lunch hour. All the hangover gone and I was back to myself. I thought I'll not tell the other person abt my "topping_of_the_list" thing but i dont think, I can hide things from that person, not yet but now I am sure, someday I'll learn to hide things from that person, in real sense. Its stupid but I have this feeling k, now I can do anything because nothing matters anymore. Now, I doesnt need to be up_to_the_mark because I am actually not up_to_the_mark.

Actually, its their list, and that person can place me anywhere and can delete me even and I literally have no right over it and I dont want any rights over it but the thing k I am second hurts me. There is no force over anything on anybody. Anyway, I cleared the air and its OKIE, I am FINE.

:)

2009-02-19T01:39:00.000+05:30

Its surprising but there are few ppl in my life, I never said sorry nor did they. And when one of them said sorry for the first time, it was a big deal for me and when things started repeating, I was somehow uncomfortable, uncomfortable to loose that special camaraderie we shared. So I decided, its time to sit and talk but coz few of my relatives are at my home, I did not get the chance to speak since a couple of days. But today, I decided to clear the mess before I sleep and with that intention I signed in gtalk.

I asked him, If he want to discuss things or shall I mail him. Discussion is good (though discussion will always have immediate reactions which can be fatal if the other person cant handle it and if he is temperamental though I know its not the case) but sometimes baatoun baatoun mein things mite get wrong so I gave him a choice . I am glad he suggested discussion. Anyway, I opened my mind first and my heart later to him and to my surprise he too had the same feeling but jst that he could not think k discussing can actually make things better. I am happy, he understood what his mistake is and we are back on track :). meanwhile, I kept on updating my status msg in accordance to our discussion and then someone reacted to my messages. great. And to my shock, they waited for quite a long time which is very unusual, probably thinking k I'll chat with them (or is it jst my presumption again ???).

This is also life, someone I wanted to chat was online and was actually more than willing to chat with me but cant start off first for their own faults and here I am who use to ping that person anytime I see without hesitation but today I jst kept watching the id. Now I feel, its not strange that I didn't felt pinging that person, not even once.

Whatever happens life moves on. This is quite a great thing to understand. My days still pass, sometimes brooding over nothing, sometimes laughin at my fallacies, sometimes content with myself, sometimes jst like that, they don't wait for anybody not even ME.

Anyway now I guess, its too late and I gotta sleep If have to be in office on time and if I have to see my friends. Good nite all.

sensibility

2009-02-12T21:31:00.000+05:30

Its good to accept the truth and be happy with wutever comes ur way but its ur fault if u take everything u get jst coz u arnt gettin wut u want. There is always a limit, a firewall, u cant allow junk mails coz u arnt gettin good ones. today at one point i almost believed may be my friend was rite, may be i started exaggerating things to beat that hatred, to beat that feeling k someone else is happy without me then y cant I. But then that's not true, I realised, I am like this all the time, though earlier i didn't had much chances to do so because something else use to keep me busy. I always went out of my way to do things, to make someone (this isn't jst one person) happy. Today someone made me think by asking a simple qn, "what would you do to make someone get back to you after ur first meet" I said "nothing, if i like that person, I'll get back to them and I'll keep in touch with them". So you see, it was always me, i mean first move is always made by me. why should i do this. I am gettin irritated and uncomfortable with myself over these matters.

It was jst last week, I realised k one of my crushes doesn't like the perfume he had and I was jst a reason away to gift him a new one. And when I knew his bday is in this week, the first thing that came to my mind was "okie, here is the reason dear". Later I realised, why should I? the other person have no idea, not a slightest one abt it and moreover even if he knw, that still doesn't justify my gift. Jst because there is no someone special in my life, i cant make everybody special over everything. I cant pamper everybody, i don't want to even if I can. Actually, I would have still thought n tried to do this even when I had that someone spl in my life, and till now wutever I did, I did coz I wanted to and now may be its jst that I am not feelin good abt it anymore because now I feel its not necessary and because my expectations are gettin attached to it. I never knew if expectations were good or bad, I donno where to draw that line.

Hmm... my life is still a mess, a different kind this time. Anyway, now that I knw wutz buggin me, I think I can handle it, I better do. So ultimately, I cancelled few of the perks I planned for others. No way, this time I am not gonna do anything to anybody jst like that. May be I am sounding rude but I want to draw that line around which is quite necessary for my own well being.

ye chimpin Nasheeda!!!

2009-02-10T20:06:00.000+05:30

Last weekend me n shaz planned for a movie, so did my teammates, to go with me. I too wanted to watch movie, and I was almost certain I would end up in theatre both on Saturday n Sunday. I said to mallik abt my movie plan with shaz on Saturday and he didn't believe, he thought i am jst kiddin to make him jealous coz now he isn't in Hyderabad.

Anyways, on Saturday I got ready and was abt to leave in an 1/2 hr, I got a call from my aunt n uncle who were here for medical checkup of their son. Hmm... I had to cancel my movie. I thought, I made a good decision by not going movie coz they need me and because mom will be happy with it. Later when mallik phoned me, I said to him abt flopped movie plan and guess wut he was shocked. Actually he was in Hyderabad then n he didn't said this to us so that he can surprise me n shaz by coming to theatre directly. its really too much (in sense bad) that he choose this time to surprise us. Had he said his plans to me earlier I wud have adjusted at least a couple of hours for our meet if not for movie.

I was seriously upset and when i spoke to shaz she understood it and said k there is no meaning in not watchin movie if you are in same mood even with ur aunt n uncle. So, I tried my best to be, look n make them happy. I wore that cordial smile all the time, sometimes naturally sometimes deliberately. They left Sunday morning but then mallik was busy but promised to see me before leaving. Guess wut, our hero got busy in shopping and by the time he packed everything he hardly had time to see me. I got really angry, i wanted to sit n talk to him, though nothing imp but I wasn't in a mood of that blink_n_miss visit. I straight away asked him not to come home and in turn gave him tension k if he do so, he'll miss his bus n all. But you see he is Mr Mallik Mallikarjun and sir wanted to see me at least once before leaving and he came to my home. He showed me all the things he shopped n the coffee mug which had his drawing on it, all excited abt his things, jst like everyone in our gang. But that's the end, he left immediately :(. So Mr. Mallik, next time you better plan ur visit and do let us knw before hand, and if u come to home for jst 5 min again, champestaa. So, most of my weekend was a bit upsettie upsettie affair.

But my Monday was Grrrrrreat. I was already happy to meet one of my friends after a long long long time. Last time, he had a complaint k I was silent, now he dare not say so again :P. For wut T-todo said to me earlier, I was always in dilemma, if I am exaggerating anything. I would jst ask her in between, "idi ade naa, aa category ye naa?" She wud say anything from "yes", "no", "I'll tell later" to "dont go for my expression, I am confused myself", whatever her answer was, I continued babbling. And the icing on cake was a phone call. I was so happy and eager to reach home k I actually asked my friend when is his bus leaving. :). And my happiness was evident on my face, glow vachesindi, ye chimping nasheeda, maash. I was active as if I had some magical (read as vodka, whisky, beer, or any alcoholic) drink. Actually, my opinion on these drinks is filmy, I am so scared of them and its rarest of the rare that I actually got tempted for their decoration though never to the extent of tasting. I was quite active (n talkative) and someone had been lucky for that :).

Today was all fun no work. After lunch, our manager came to our cubicle n somehow the topic took off to pizzas and to my colleagues who left to U.S without giving party. We called them somewhere @ 4 am to ask abt pizzas, poor guys, they never got the chance to sleep again.

Booo...

2009-01-30T23:29:00.001+05:30

samne ho manzil toh raaste na modna
jo mann mein ho woh khwaab na todna,
har kadam pe milegi kaamiyaabi tumko
bas sitaaro ke liye kabhi zameen na chodna.

I donno whoz the author, I heard it from a kid on Boogie Woogie, who is too small to understand its meaning but remember it because of her principal sir :). so cute. I jst cant say, i felt so happy watchin the kids dance. I am not watchin it regularly, actually not even rarely, its still my favorite. Though its being aired since my childhood, it still maintained that level and its not like any other dance shows where everything is over dosed, where only one or two ppl are good (and by the way those ppl wont win the trophy, this happens all the time, thanks to public voting). Maash, I was so happy that I wanted to write the same in between ads, couldnt, what can I do, they were so less ;).

You know wut, yesterday I got the chance of being a kid again and I utilised it to the max. Yesterday was my friend's bday and we both were like kids_lost_in_candy_world and played all those childish games, it was such a fun. Though I was a bit busy working today, it continued. <>

back to stage :)

2009-01-15T09:35:00.000+05:30

My last 2 days were like ... could not find a word. On first day, I had a terrible shock and a tremendous heart ache. And my second day was a total denial with a deliberate selective amnesia. Its only today I realised the whole stuff. As I woke up, the first thing that came to my mind is its no more. I love it, hate it, accept it or deny it, the fact remain same, its no more than part of past, though a bigger one.

Yesterday, I was more on the other side, dreamin of everything else intentionally but now i temporarily cease to do that. And this is reality, there is no dreams, dreamin is just an alternative to escape which i don't want now at least. I feel more grounded now, and I'll go ahead with my life, its still there, surprisingly. ppl, spear me if i am pessimistic, I might show my vengeance sometimes.

But, I am still happy coz of my friends who are with me, thank Allah we always have a chance to choose our friends, I seriously donno where I would have been otherwise and for what my Sr said, my Sr could have made it humorous or cud have denied it makin me uncomfortable but my Sr didn't do any of it and was more than happy to say(that's my feelin and probably its same the other side) and its more decent. My Sr definitely made my day yesterday and continue to so :-).

Happy Day Nasheeda :).

Goin home :-)

2008-12-04T16:59:00.000+05:30

Spent my last weekend at kaju's home, watching movies and playing those funny games and the exercise we did. I had good fun there but the otherside, all my things are pending. I guess, I'll resume kerala trip details after coming back from home, moreover I dont have the photos with me. These days I am talkin like cartoon characters in animation movies, thanks to my Sr who gave me the CDs.

I am goin home tomorrow, for 5 days, to celebrate Bakrid. It will be good as my elder sis, along with her family, will celebrate with us, insha allah. And, Eid-Mubarak to everybody. Probably this time, I'll meet my school friends as they all are coming to see their parents as well. When we were in school, ours was NNR (Nasheeda, Noorie & Rehana) group, we hardly mixed with anyone else. Gotta see, how much they have changed.

2008-11-27T11:36:00.000+05:30

I was in deep sleep when my uncle woke me up. He almost shouted, standing near the door of my room, "Wake up, its 8.30 already". Half asleep, I came out of my room and then my uncle said (expressing his own shock) "mumbai was under terror attack last night, firing is still going on, bullets, grenade bombs, ...". So here, when I was watching movies, enjoying my night and the other side ppl were suffering, scared, petrified, tasting fear. pictures of previous blasts at jaipur, Ahmadabad flashed on my mind, they weren't so clear though. hitherto hated, i checked out all the news channel. All of them saying the same thing but in a different way, of their own. CCTV footage and live videos, terrorist photos, etc claimed to be specially available to their own channels were being played. Star news ppl compared it to Indian version of 9/11 attack. i sat there, in front of my TV for some time. I was getting the same feelings I use to get on these occasions and was applying the same force to control them as I did earlier. I took a deep breathe, got up started my routine of brushing my teethes, switching-on of water heater, getting my dress out, everything the same, everything mechanical. This continued until my uncle left and then I sat down on the chair, well aware of being alone, being helpless. Then I prayed, for my own selfish reasons. I know, I am helpless, and this knowledge of my inabilities is terrible. I was feeling heavy, my feelings were getting stronger and I didn't know what to do, I wanted to runaway from them. I decided to make breakfast for myself and I made it. I phoned home to speak to mom, moms are like that, they'll always make u feel better. calmly and slowly I started getting back to normalcy. But no, my heart wouldn't let me do so, something seized me and I froze. I wasn't me again, I donno why it was happening to me, I wanted to get rid of this stupid useless feelings. How could they do this. why are people killing others. why am I sitting here like a coward. what would I had done if it happened to someone I knew. Wouldn't I had reacted then. why am I so selfish, why do I think of my own family before others, why aren't human race bound to a single family. why cant we feel the same towards everybody. I am sitting here numb, I donno what to say, what to write, what to do.

I looked at watch, it was 10.30 already, I dragged myself out and locked the door and was on road. Everything was the same, ppl moving around, busy in their own work, only sun was a little merciful. Suddenly when I was on main road I felt like, I left the water tap open. I turned back, had a run to home. I checked the home once again everything was fine. I decided to stay back, take leave, but I couldn't. You know what, sometimes life should move on, jst because it cant be stopped.

I came out, got to the bus stop and gave a call to few ppl but they were busy with their own works. Usually when I get such feelings, I don't write them down, blogging is the least I can think of, worst I can feel of. I feel they loose their essence when jot down. But today I want to get rid of them, its no good.

You knw what, ppl are still hostages in their hands. And now I wish I could have continued to sleep or would have awaken. I am neither.

Day 1

2008-11-24T13:33:00.000+05:30

For the whole journey, starting from my home, I hardly thought anything abt it, in between. I mean when u (at least I) do something, u kinda tend to think abt the whole stuff, but I did not do so, partly coz I was tired and partly coz I had more waiting for me, the next day. So here I am, to think abt it and give a detailed desc.

Day 1:

we were suppose to board the train Sabri Express from Sec-bad on 14th Nov. The train time as informed by 2lc n deep was 12 pm. As usual, I started late at home, and at once declared to my auto driver to go as fast as possible. The driver of the Auto was exactly what I wanted to be, in leisure time. He was pretty balanced, would never go off the road, no signal jumping, nothing, a perfect one. After a couple of min I understood hez pretty strict in following his own principles and care a damn wether or not I catch my train. So I sat down calmly. When I got down near station, I actually thanked him and rushed towards station, it was 11.50am. And guess what, my train was slated to arrive at 12.30pm.

I understand, they did so, coz they were pretty sure of me gettin late and that's y i didn't care much. 2lc, deep n me waited for another 1/2 an hour before boarding the train. Since it was day, and ours was the first coach, many ppl going to near by places, freely joined us and made a mess of our compartment. Though it irritated all of us, deep was more disturbed and tried his best to shift to A.C, in vain. 2lc wasn't particular or she was particularly un-happy abt it. As of me, I was happy and constantly encouraged deep to do so as this means more time to be kerala. Then we decided at least while coming back we'll come in A.C, though it didn't materialise. The evening was spent in munching snacks, of course with irritation. In all this irritation, one guy with his big bag entered and was silently puttin his luggage on top berth, I asked him so seriously abt his reservation, poor guy, he was so scared that he actually showed his ticket to me as if I am the T.T. This was later confirmed by 2lc. We had our supper early and played dumb charades along with that guy, his name was Amar, I guess. we slept at 11-11.30 pm.

Congrates Dear.

2008-11-21T12:14:00.000+05:30

Sowmya (one of my best friend from uoh) got married last week (Nov 12th) with our oops her beloved, Ram. I haven't seen a marriage like this before. They both are happy and whats best is its visible. Almost everyone will be happy to get married but with elders around they hardly show their excitement but here, their happiness is visible and reflecting on their smilingly happy faces. Masha Allah. When Sri (my another frnd from uoh) got married she wasn't hiding her feelings as well but it wasn't this way. And it was nice to meet Smitha. I have started introspecting myself after meeting Smitha.

We (deep, 2lc n me) gifted them a pair of rings. When we went to buy those rings I saw a diamond ring, 25k but it was really pretty. I realised, they don't say 'diamonds are women's best friend' for no reason. I am gettin tempted towards jewellery I guess.

We had a trip to Kerala to attend sowmi's reception as well to roam around. And, I am back from my holiday trip to Kerala. Its was awesome, wonderful and terrible as well. there were times when I was like WOW and then there I was like huh x-( and then there were times I stood dumb, sometimes in astonishment and sometimes in shock. I tried learning malayalam korcha korcha (little bit). At first I thought, I'll write a single post abt my journey but on my reader's suggestion I am dividing my post, with one post per day. I'll try to finish them by this weekend.

Apart from that, today I woke up early, finished my errands at home, prepared breakfast and was at office by 10:20 am. I am pretty satisfied with my own behavior today. Masha Allah, I wish I continue this way.

trivia

2008-11-05T11:30:00.000+05:30

These days I am all good. I get up early ( 8 am) and be at office by 11, which is quite strange. No more fight with De for remote control, In fact I jst don't watch T.V. And after office, I simply sit with my sketching notes and sketch some or the other things. And after a family supper (my uncle always make sure that v have it together together) talking abt trivial matters and a session with dad, I get back to my room and silently read War and Peace till my eyelids protest and then slip off to dreamland @ 1am. Of all the things I do, I enjoy drinking water, standing in front of mirror lookin at my own pic printed on the mug, Mallik gifted. I treat my mug as a kid (days old kid). Strange as it may sound, I feel more happy when de looks at me with that expression of bandar_ke_haath_mein_topi :-P. I thought I have to do some major adjustments but when I realised that wasn't the case, I was happy and didn't care much abt the small small things I had to give up.

Last Saturday, t-todo, deep and me met Sri, we went to her college. It was good to be with all of them but something was irritating me then. Though I was happy and enjoyin the day, I wasn't myself and wanted to fled away from that place. when I get irritated, usually I don't keep it long but that day, I was irritated with myself for no reason and that's y I cudnt get back to normal quickly.

I brought a brand new dell laptop, inspiron 1525, ruby red model. Its good and I am in love with it as well. Actually, these days, I am in love with almost everything. And it seems like love is in the air. And this is one more thing sometimes I get irritated abt, I mean how could I be like that, falling in love with everything and everybody.

2008-10-14T18:00:00.000+05:30

It seems, I am gettin lazier day by day. There's so much happening in my life but nothing big. Good thing is, I have decided to go green, that means no more non-veg, no more chicKen biryani :-(. I know, Chicks will be partyin after reading this. Another thing is, I have started enjoying my weekends without really missing anyone. OK, I do miss them but I am not going overboard to be with them or something. I have started reading War & Peace with a decision to complete it. Yesterday, me n shaz went to JNTU to get our migration certificate. There we happened to meet our sub-junior whom we really donno. I was pleasantly surprised when he actually recognised me.

Mallik will be coming to hyd this weekend, I wish Ravi too join us, there is a kind of uneasiness in our relationship and I think, all we need is a get together to get out of it. My life will get harder from next week, may be its not as big a thing I am feeling but I am sure my adjustment levels will be tested. Its been really long since I have stopped adjusting myself for others.

Though I cant reveal more details here, I was again pleasantly surprised with some one's behavior and I actually enjoyed it as well. As usual I am getting bored at office, and seriously looking forward for my next vacation I am gonna have in mid Nov. That's all to say and its my lunch time as well, b4n.

just like that

2008-09-08T20:06:00.000+05:30

Well, I did nothing but eating, sleeping last weekend which is quite visible on my face as my manager says it. Its been ages since I touched War and Peace which is incomplete, 2lc reminded me of it, still I am in no mood of completing it. Therez nothing much to do, earlier I use to watch T.V on weekends but I am bored of it even, they have been repeating things on daily basis, I bet these days u'll get to see Bagbaan at least once on any given day. And to beat this, yesterday I switched to english channels and got to see a good movie, The Princess Diaries 2.

Spoke to Mallik, hez in B'lore now, atlast working @ IBM, after so many twist n turns by IBM. One more friend out of can-call-any-time-I-wish list, though he didnt say anything of that sort, I jst donno, its difficult to call him without getting a thought of disturbing him. Once I get that, I usually dont, y do I get that in my mind I have no clue. Leave it, He seem to have surprise plans for my B'day but I made him say everything.

Hey guess what, today I got to practice T.T. Thanks to my Sr, Praveen, he played with me. Though, I was interested in playing, I asked quite a few times, out of courtesy, If he wants to stop the game or is he bored but he didnt show a single sign of irritation, not even once and kept saying how I should play and then how not to give chance to opponent and all. Its really nice to be with him, he's such a good guy and he make ppl feel so good (ok thats my opinion but u can ask my colleagues no one will disagree).

...

2008-08-18T14:14:00.000+05:30

Ah... Its been long since I posted anything though u cant expect meaningfull things here, I had nothing new or interesting to post not even a nightmare. Life has been pretty monotonous and I didnt want to write Hey guess what today I brushed my teeth kinda stuff.

Last wednesday, I started learning TT after long time thanks to 2lc n deep, but I havnt touched the bats since then. This is what usually happens with me, I play it for a day or two after that I wont touch them for months.

Today I was hummin this song I had to fall to lose it all from Linkin Park, jst then my sr (the one who effortlessly say the changes in my face, the one who said whoever marries me will be the luckiest (point to be noted guys), the one who understand whats goin on my mind without me utterin a single word) came to our cubicle. I asked him if he heard it then he nodded his head and i donno how he understood but he took out he phone and played that song (for me). I always felt happy in his presence though I have no idea if he ever felt the same or at least noticed a single thing of the above.

thanks a ton Teesh.

2008-03-02T06:54:00.000+05:30

I deseparately needed change in my life. this was kinda must and I thank a million for you are the one who made me happy. After a long time i was just me without any tensions.

stupid me!!!

2008-01-21T21:41:00.000+05:30

well, I have this dream of watching taare zameen par (TZP) since I saw its trailer on T.V channels. But then I left to my native when the movie got released. One day, T-todo said she watched it, I asked her to show me too. Then after a week or so, T-todo n s-Todo said, they both are in theatre watching TZP, again I asked them to take me when I am back. I came back, got busy with my pending work. With an opinion of spending a week-end with de n my cousin I thought of going to tzp with them(made a grave mistake of not asking t-todo). I asked my cousin to book the tickets as I don't have credit card with me and yes, I never applied for credit card coz I was afraid I might end up crediting things everywhere. He didn't book the tickets for his own reasons, as a result we ended up watching "Halla Bol". I was mentally prepared for tzp so much so k I didn't felt comfortable looking at the screen for the first 15 minutes. Luckily, the movie got interesting and I glued to my seat after then. Halla Bol is a good movie, slightly related to Jessica Lall's Murder case(for more info, clk here). The plot is good but the climax is too short to leave an impact on ppl.

Last week, I again pestered my cousin to book the tickets n by the end of the week, I realised he is somehow not interested in tzp and i myself went to IMAX to buy tickets and asked my cousin to drop me at secretariat on his way. He accompanied me to IMAX coz its not a good way and I am happy for that. When enquired, TZP was houseful and here I made a mistake of asking him to come along with me to PVR. He came to PVR n at PVR when he found me getting crazy for TZP, he got angry. All the way back to home, he shouted at me, whats so great abt tzp, I have never seen a gal mad abt movies, we have been roaming whole hyd like anything, I interrupted him once to say k, tzp was released on 21st Dec and i am not asking for first-day, first-show, stupid me, thats it, he started again, so you even remember the release date, i don no why are you so bent upon watching it as if Amir is ur relative blah blah blah ...

Huh, when I got home, I took a deep breathe and said to myself 3 things, I'll never ask him for a movie, n book tickets by myself, will apply for credit card asap and i'll phone t-todo when ever i wanna watch movie, we cud have happily watched the movie in ny theatre available. Thats it from me i guess.

no more louzy days :-(

2008-01-07T16:31:00.000+05:30

I was out to my native to spend year-end holidays (12 days :-) ) with my family and I had a gala time as I met most of my relatives too and realised I am grim faced. My mom had wondered all the time how can a m.tech gal be this way, my qn, wut does qualification has to do with appearance? I went to my aunt's home (mom's younger sis) and it was hilarious. I had such a fun with all of them that I forgot everything even 23rd dec. My aunt's daughter is jst 5 yrs but a complete patakha. The way she talks and plays gudda guddi khel with my sister is too much. they talk as if they are 60 yrs old grandma. we (me n de) were back to hyd on 2nd jan, mom n dad was suppose to join us but mom cancelled her trip coz I hurted her. My over-concern hurted her, though she denied, I knew that was the reason.

last Thursday mallik surprised me by coming to our home early morning. I felt good and we chatted together for an hour or so and then he dropped me to office and left. Hey I have started writing diary after a long time, I use to write in my inter. Another thing is, I am doing mistakes but I am making sure I finish my work before I leave office. I was the most lousy in my team, patching up things at the last moment but not anymore. I only wish this should continue.

Two of my cousins (boys) use to stay in hostel near-by but when their warden misbehaved with them, they fought with him and are temporarily staying with us. I say you, its good to have school/college going children at home they make you realise ur responsibilities and wakes you up early too. so my sister use to get up as early as 6.30-7 am and use to prepare break fast for all of us and all this never let me sleep. But my sister isn't here anymore, she went to my native and now I am getting up early, not only that I am also preparing break fast for them. I am not complaining coz what I am doing is my own choice (my mom n aunt suggested me to have food from outside) but I am shocked to know k I can do this.

jst like that

2007-12-07T18:44:00.000+05:30

It has been almost a month since I updated my blog. Though I wasn't super busy I have quite a work to do @ office and my lazy attitude (my most prominent and by-birth) prevented me from posting. Last night I phoned one of my friend to wish on his Bday then he asked as to why I am not updating my blog ( and I thought I have 2 readers only :-)) so today I am here to update it.

For the last one month what did I do, well... most of the time, either I use to be in office, when I am at home, I either watch T.V or probably asleep. I visited university a couple of times and hey I have a good news to share, I'll be getting my master's degree in this month, insha allah. Spent a weekend at arsh's home. It was nice, I guess after almost 4 years I stayed with her. On that day we slept @ 5.30am. And three days back, I thought I'll concentrate on sketching at least (to satisfy my creative instinct), I tried to sketch but my colleague(s) said it was awkward , and I stopped it there. But this weekend I'll try to practice sketching. wut else, these days I have started to apply kajal on my eyes, seems like I am looking pretty, critic's opinion. Oh, you might be thinking what silly things am I writing and mite even have guessed the other sentence to be something like this, these days I am drinking water daily.

So its clear that nothing exciting is happening in my life. I just have one good thing coming my way and that is my year-end vacations, I'll be off to my native from 21st Dec to 2nd Jan and for you all, Happy Weekend!!!

Srisailam

2007-11-13T12:22:00.000+05:30

If you are from India, Notably A.P then you mite have heard about it. Srisailam is a small town in Kurnool Dist of A.P. Wutz so special abt it, well its a picturesque place and nature lovers can have a good time, I can say for sure. Its situated near the bank of Krishna River and there is a famous temple of Lord Mallikarjuna Swamy though it didnt got the chance to visit it. Last Sunday, my aunt phoned me at the dawn of the day and asked to get ready and be at Afzal-ganj (a street in Hyd) within an hour so that she can pick us (me N my family) there. I slept just for 2 hours the night before, I thought I'll make it during journey unknowing the amazing and tiring day ahead. It takes 3 hrs of travelling to reach srisailam. I couldn't sleep till we left city outskirts, there was so much of noise pollution. Once we were out of the city I was delighted. All hot gals were in one vehicle, bacha party in another and elders separately. we had fun half of our way (the other half, we were seriously busy with site seeing), all the time racing and competing with other vehicles, singing gaana shaana n all. Then came the best part of the journey, Nallamala forest. You read it rite, Srisailam is surrounded by hills and a dense forest, ghats having tall lustrous green trees and monkeys of course. If at one place I was standing tall along the trees then another moment I was thrown out of my seat by the centrifugal force generated by the deep curve. There is a Tiger reserve too, one of the biggest in India, fortunately or not I don no but we didn't came across those fierce animals.

Srisailam Dam

By 12 noon, we reached the guest house, situated on top of the hill. We refreshed ourselves n headed to see the dam. The Srisailam Dam, is in between 2 hills, we saw the dam, my uncle who is an engineer explained everything abt its construction and working. it seems the area near (not very near) the dam doors is as deep as 100 feet's, ***. If u have seen a dam then there will be doors to it that can be opened if the water in the dam is getting flooded. You know what, there are big corridors inside those doors n pillars on which dam stands. I use to think they were just thick walls. Then we came back to guest house, filled our stomachs, took a break of half an hour and left to see the Hydro power plant located inside a hill. That was really great, from outside its just a simple hill with all the trees and a few houses here n there but inside there was a power plant with such a heavy machinery all around. The power plant intelligently had been placed in the centre of the hill and there is long tunnel constructed, connecting the power plant to the outside road. I had never seen such a big single rock, that was how the walls oops sorry wall of the power plant were made of. By the time we visited all these places it was already 7.30 pm and I was too tired. There was another similar power station but I preferred staying in vehicle and had a nap in between.

The return journey was splendid coz it was quite dark and the deep and steep curves made the head lights of the vehicle behind us into a rising sun (from the woods) with its rays piercing the the darkness. It was good and now I want to visit again with my friends.

failure

2007-10-29T19:41:00.000+05:30

Last week was great, in a sense that I received rave reviews about myself from ppl. I realised, I didn't knew anything abt myself or rather important things abt myself. I am not angry though I was when I heard it first but as you see ppl have every right to express their opinion. To be frank It made me sad, I don't say I was depressed, depression is something big and I cant handle it.

Someone said to me with an expression of oh-you-are-so-cheap, I am habituated to buy road-side, local made things when I said I didn't like anything from a supposed to be the biggest showroom of Bata in city. It didn't appealed to me and I said the same and for that this was the reaction. I am not against to branded things, I myself have many branded things but I don't have only branded things. I buy things based on their usability and my comfort. And more over its not compulsory that branded things should always appeal you. Have you ever had pani-pouri sitting in a posh, cozy restaurant and then standing on road-side too??? Which one did you like? Does that make someone cheap. I don't think so, even if, I am not bothered. I made it clear to that person, not to be so concerned abt my buying place, that person has the choice of liking things or dis-liking it, nothing more than that, if not less.

More than that someone said to me I am not concerned about my family, I don give much importance to them and I give no time to them and even counted the week-ends I spent with my mother when she was here last time. It seems, I am jst a fun-loving gal whoz always ready to go out with friends and that I have a habit of roaming late-nights, I cant (predicting my future) take care of home etc. I was never concerned abt this because I knew what I am but today it seems this isn't enuf. I know I can never please all and I don't want to even if I am. But I always wanted to see my loved ones happy. Though I admit I haven't sacrificed my life but I struggled between my schedules without giving time for myself only to hear this. I might had paid no heed if some outsider had said abt it, but it hurts when someone close to you say that. Say that when you have compromised most of your wishes for them. Thank God, this wasn't the opinion of my family and friends or might be, who knows they might be thinking the same and jst didn't say to me. I think its time to accept I am a failure.

Happy Birthday to you.

2007-10-10T12:32:00.000+05:30

Happy Birthday to Dear Mom!!!

Happy Birthday to Dear Raj!!!

Mom thanks for everything, you are the reason for what Iam today and for whatever goodness I have. Raj you made me realize what it is like loosing loved ones and I have started appriciating relationships jst coz of you. You both have infulenced me (greatly) for the better and will continue to do so.

P.S: Raj, I love you. You will continue to live in our thoughts, behavior, wishes and hopes.

Obstacles or Spectacles

2007-09-13T12:58:00.000+05:30

I have a surprise in store for everyone and I wanted to meet you all personally so as to let you know abt it but due to practical constraints (job, timing, ur availability though it attributes to negligible amount) I could not. I came to office, to convey the same through blog, only to realize our kiosk wasn’t working. Anyways, as I am on-line now (longitude or latitude???), I’ll going to tell you abt my obstacles (oops I mean spectacles) and blurred vision.

These days my 6th sense is on high and cautioned me on unforeseen trouble it has seen by it’s intuition. Not afraid yet puzzled I consulted dockie in regard of the matter and I was confirmed. I was confirmed that I am suffering from short sight and there’s no mistake in that. It didn’t come as shock bcoz of my 6th sense but I was surprised and the fact I should wear specs made me feel different. Only after wearing them (looking more like a nerdy), I confirmed the feeling as uncomfortable. Although many things attributed to it, my continuous starring to my monitor (Okie, I don work much but I do sometimes) and reading novels are main culprits I feel. Whatever reason I have them now and they have dropped down my world to a mere rectangular size. I can only see things that fit in it; for everything else I should always move my head up and down. I am unable to see things beyond the frame. Now I understand why t-todo specs always drop down. My spectacles are more of an obstacle that is dividing my plane, causing more hindrance instead of improving my otherwise blurred vision.

introspection

2007-09-10T13:00:00.000+05:30

I had been thinkin about how I behaved yesterday evening, ppl give bigger sacrifices cant I give-up a single dress. I had been so mean, couldnt I sacrifice, okie....sacrifice is a word, but you should think before judging, after all it was my favorite dress, I had a crush on it. After thinking a lot I got hold of truth ( something to defend myself ;;)). Its not like k i cant give, the person who took it isnt worthy at all, I didnt had that satisfaction or happiness after giving it. That person behaved in a rather selfish manner with me and that made me spit venom on my earlier post. But now I feel better, otherwise I almost thought I am a bad bad gal.

choose one

2007-09-09T21:15:00.000+05:30

I am pretty confused what to put as tittle of the post, so I am planning to leave it to the misery of readers to choose one. options are (make a note please ;;)) i) I am sick of myself, III) De I am missing you (coz I am greedy).

lemme start with the latest news, it seem that punjagutta flyover which is still in construction since yesteryear is rolling on the earth bed, literally, due to rains. I don no the accuracy of this news, I heard it jst from akaash vani, gaali kendram. whatever happen to the bridge, i care a damn about it (yea... i mite be sounding mean), the only thing I am afraid of is happening of any causality as its quite a busy road. I jst pray everything should be fine, human life is precious, the only you can never get back, do whatever.

Talking about myself, these days, I am busy, ha ha ha, by any chance if my colleagues have a glance at this, they'll faint, flatly on the floor. okie i am not busy but I am screwed, I have to be glued literally to my seat for 8 hours daily and that's must if u want someone to deposit cash on last working day of every month, no option left. And you know by the time i woke and follow all this ..... rules, I am simply tired. My only solace is my weekends which are super busy than my weekdays. No I am not dating someone but I am always out with someone ( and that idiotic part of my heart smitten by love always make sure I am out with someone). one part of my heart is firm on not allowing ny intruders and is very much carefull not to repeat the same mistake where as other is falling head over heels for someone's pampering. I feel like I am homing to completely different persons in me. After these, if by any chance i got free time then I am out with friends, this remind me I haven't phoned tons (okie I mean lots) of friends and I am sure they'll kill me if I do now, I am sorry to one and all, dear(s) please don't mind.

Apart from that I planned to have a look at script writing which was super flop and I am guilty (as I'll be charged by s-todo). hey I also planned to write a short story which was (as guessed) a flop again. this adds another option to my title, (iv. series of flops), wut say???

Today I missed my sis a lot, I had always been so selfish with her, and for that matter my missing of her is also an act of my greediness. It all started when me and two of cousins went to a lepakshi handicraft euphorium. My cousin and myself both got hold of same dress, and you can imagine the scene. The dress was real pretty, my eyes were the first to reach it. If only the person had been my de, I would have simply got hold of the dress, as I always do. one of my cousin offered a simple solution of cancelling the order completely but i didn't wanted to do that. it was love at first site with that dress but I gave up, I cared someone more than that dress. I only wish my de could have been here she mite have handled the situation much better than me. frankly i couldnt even control my anguish (or helplessness, don no exactly which one is apt here).

I think i'll have to end this sad saga here, I have more to write but asusual no time. I think, I have to have some time for myself, may be in another fortnight i'll have that. I am likely to go home next week end.

mukku puduka!!!

2007-08-24T13:07:00.000+05:30

Dekha tha tere aane pe tittliyoun ka machalna,
teri khoobsurati pe logoun ka jalna...

Lekin kal jab tujhe dekha toh gumsum si hogayi mei,
jana begaani si khuda k khudrat se hogayi thi mei...

Abb toh sirf dekhti hoo chand ko bebus hote huye,
chandini ko tere taare pe rote huye...

soul

2007-08-02T11:53:00.000+05:30

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are quite expressive and thoughtful. You see the world in a way that others are blind to.

You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it.

You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you.

Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it's something you've been anticipating for a while now.

For you, falling in love is all about flirting and feeling playful. You couldn't fall in love with someone who took life too seriously.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

is that wut u think abt me???

2007-07-28T16:52:00.000+05:30

My weekend is gonna be utter waste, I know. As usual doing nothing, couldnt go anywhere as I am @ my aunt's home (to my luck, strike is goin on in city, no bus not even auto it seems) and mind you roaming around even on weekends is bad idea when you are already out at someone's home . My word, at least on weekend mom, mom's version, cant you stay at home even on weekends. Huhh... everyone have a word to say and mite be point too. so simply i am at my aunt's home doing nothing. I tried to watch T.V but I hate if someone change channels when I a watching and owning remote is a thing and i cant fight as such. finished one night at the call center by chetan bhagat. I can rate it 5.something on a scale of 10. And one thing I realised after reading it is don't promise blindly without knowing the istory. But I have one interesting thing to tell you, when I opened the first page of the novel, its clearly written, ohh...sorry, asked to the reader to mention three things honestly as follows.

You fear about???..................................................
You get angry???...................................................
Thing you dislike about yourself.........................

I promptly filled the blanks, ahaaaaaaaaaaaan, why will i tell you. Actually I got the idea of asking the same questions to you ppl but then i felt its quite personal, they are more or less like a weak point. When I don't want to disclose mine then there is no point in asking abt others. how abt asking abt myself. I remember t-todo doing that long back. Now temme my dear readers, whatever pops on your mind, when you hear my name or see me, just whatever.

new bie

2007-07-28T16:18:00.000+05:30

Well.... I had sketched few things a couple of months before. Jst uploading them. Suggestions are always welcome but point to be noted your honor, I am newbie.

Devil-who-wear-prada, I jst liked her hair-style (laser cut, my say it is), nothing else is good in that.
I don want to be in any controversy but i jst wanted to see how a few-extra-pound looks like.
Mallik say this gal belongs to A class (watch toli prema to knw the categories in detail). something is there in her eyes, it seems.

My sis's sketch. She is damn good in sketching.

This is done by me. Mallik thinks the expressions are good. But actually this is a practice sketch I had copied (yea....copied) exactly from the book.
This was supposed to be my dad's photo in his youth age, I guess early twenties.

Pain is good.

2007-07-24T11:59:00.000+05:30

I am back from home and I should say I had very painful days. Me and dad were discussing things, and dad rewinding his lyf to childhood days said to me how he use to do 70-100 sit-ups in competition. And in same mood he asked me to do sit-ups to know my stamina. Great idea (!!!), me too thought the same at first. I raised hands @ 35. Not many??? do it yourself and u'll understand the damn thing. That's it, there I did the mistake (and probably u too if you have tried now), my legs were having a bit of pain and that's very natural I thought, keeping in mind the kind of personality I have and the frequency with which I exercise. Trouble started next day, I couldn't get out of my bed. Horrible, terrible whatever you call, I couldn't sit in chair even and it took like a million years (I wish I could measure pain, then it mite have ended up in another million units of pain) to get down a step. Considering the fact k I am brave and better than best, I boarded my train very same day (Sunday) and came to hyd on Monday only to realize k I seriously cant walk more than 5 minutes continuously. I took leave yesterday and was @ home, that's even more painful, as we don't use the western istyle loo in our home.

earlier last week S-todo and T-todo planned to come our home and regarding that I phoned t-todo, and in-between I spoke with P-todo and ended up booking tickets for a movie in Imax. I was glad for that as it had been long since we four (of course fantastic) watched together. I was suppose to join them by 7.30 pm @ prasads. I locked the door of my home and took a U-turn, that's it, I was scared to death after seeing the stair case. By the time I got down (luckily I stay in first floor) all the enthu has gone, choo mantar in air, and I almost had a heart attack with the very thought K I have to use them again after returning. The movie was good, a different story, Emraan Hashmi, un-usually different. The one thing that I loved in movie is the liberty given to the Hero to choose the path he wants to follow by his lady love without forcing or nagging to accept the partner's one which is quite common in love marriages. you don't need to change ur caste or belief to be with the one you love, I feel so.

It was all happy inside theatre, trouble started when I had to use the stair case to get down. solid 3 floors, after that our first floor @ home was almost nothing. We had our dinner @ Bansuri, Lakdi ka pul. Kashmiri Pulav was damn good and it was so rich with all the fruits and ghee, I bet you cant eat more than 10 spoons without difficulty or head-ache (that's wut I had yesterday). We three ladies, got to home, had all the girly stuff and s-todo presented gifts she brought to me and T-todo from Dubai, I only wish she go to Dubai regularly. We watched Namaste London and slept @ ... i don't rem exactly may be 1.30 or 2 am. I spoke to t-todo and t-todo half-slept listened to me, (I wonder did she?) I said to t-todo that I am out of it but afraid of getting into yet another similar thing (marriage). Anyways after speaking to t-todo yesterday nite I have decided to enjoy my life. There is no use of brooding over un-seen future and its nothing like I'll enjoy after this or after that, this is the moment, just this. wut say?

Right now I am in office, my legs are still paining but I got use to it and I should say Pain is good.

non-transferable assets

2007-07-20T13:12:00.000+05:30

I can say I had a mixed week, that had everything from emotional drama with full tension and suspense to a pleasant eve with dear ones. lets talk about good things first, I got a compliment wowwwuhhhhh. U mite wonder whats spl in that, its quite common to me, well rite that holds true (No ??? U probably never thought of me with a pure heart) but this is something spl. A very special asset and whats great is, its from a garal. I am gonna paste it here, makki k makki without missing a thing ;;).

U r the BEST one can ever have in any possible way .. i mean either as a friend , daughter , wife , mom .... in any way u always EXCEL and will always do so ..... I KNOW IT .

Congrats again ... for being the BEST :)

Truly I am flattered but mind you this wasn't meant to flatter me rather its a truth. And the other thing is I met my dear T-todo. Dear you have got super slim. whats the matter??? kuch toh hai, hain na bolo bolo??? anyways after seeing my dear, I wished I could transfer those extra pounds to her but no chance, they are non-transferable assets I have. I know you want to be like me but don't try too hard its having negative impact. LOL.

Apart from these, this week I had worst nightmare I can ever have throughout my lyf. yea... I am pretty sure, throughout my lyf. I don't think I can share this with anyone, anyone on earth expect my reflection. Long back after reading a page of 'My Experiments with truth' by Gandhi, I seriously thought of writing one myself sometime down the lane though I never expressed my wish to anyone before. But today just because something mysterious happened in my life I have to drop the plan. I truly have no dare to face it again in my life. this truth will possibly die with me. It mite not be big but it is something I am scared of and today I don't feel bad for accepting I am coward. At the end the only thing I can say is its fine now. At first I thought of not mentioning even a word abt it in my blog but I kinda have a mutual understanding with my blog. Its a very great listener, the only stranger who doesn't ask me any annoying questions in fact any question at all even after knowing everything.

Leave it there, life is all about good and bad things. I am back to normal and going home this weekend and hopefully after seeing mom everything will be fine I feel. moms are just like that, you see their angel face and nothing shall be there to scare you. Happy Weekend Readers!!!

P.S: I thought of writing this post yesterday, but I could implement my (seldom) pre-planned work due to CPI 810 and 303 . Sounding Greek well. . . . . . the whole thing is, my company has blocked even blogger.com, my sole solace at my work-station (station where work stops :-P).

beyond eve-teasing

2007-07-17T15:00:00.000+05:30

Well....It had been long since I updated my blog and I have my share of reasons too. Though I think no one really care to know but I am here to tell U (positive attitude)!!! First of all, I finished my M.Tech project viva (thank god) and second thing is I wasnt feeling well for a couple of days but nothin to worry I am bac (to borr u again). Before I tell you success story of my viva(out of which Ekta kapoor can make a sensational N emotional drama of around 10-15 episodes) I have a more serious thing to say rather discuss.

Last friday, one of my cousin got engaged and my dad was here to attend it (ohh wait, there is nothin serious abt it. lemme continue). My dad N sis attended the engagement ceremony but I cudnt join them as I had to attend office. While coming to home from office I thought, i'll catch a CD or 2 to pass the time till they come back. I was walking on the road towards the cd shoppe, a bike with three ppl sharing the seat crossed my path. They used abusing language N commented me on my dressing sense (Gr8... though I wear a salwar kameez and look much like a plain-jane). With my face red in rage, I wanted to yell the answer to their behavior immediately, but I refrained myself. They were on a bike and in no time vanished in the darkness of night. And I thought, why should I, whats the use, does that really matter. Even if it matters then to what extent. I kept pondering abt it all the way to home. Those bastards definitely had not cared my yelling, even if they do, they mite have refrained themselves from reacting in public place, now going ahead if they reacted N probably got a lesson from public too, whats the guarantee k they dont repeat the things. Now assuming (so many, Huhh) that they were real good ppl N have sworn not to repeat it how does that stop others from doing it. I cudnt dare to tell this to my family. They always wished I wear a burkha but never forced me but if they know abt this then (I feel) they'll definitely. Thought of wearing burkha crossed my mind but I dismissed it as its not a universal solution (not everyone can wear it). I am not against of wearing a burkha but I dont want to wear it jst becoz someone has commented me. Someday I am sure I'll wear it only when I feel like.

In yet an another incident, when I was waiting for a bus in bus-stand, a man in his late forties started starring at me. I too gave a rather serious look but no use. Not only that, he actually was moving towards me steadily. Luckily I got the bus on time N left the place but luck doesnt accompain you every time. I remember last time when myself, T-todo, S-todo and Ram met, we all discussed the status quo of hyderabad. We cudnt do much than wonder abt the disastrous changes in hyd. But today I want to do more, may be I cant tell exactly wut is that but definitely I think its time to plunge into action. Ny hands raised there???

PRETTY ME or poor me.

2007-07-06T15:02:00.000+05:30

At first I thought to put the title as Perfect me or Poor me but I felt it isnt apt N u'll understand the reason behind (ofcourse after reading this blog). As you all know, last weekend I went to my native to attend dad's retirement function. My sis N my mom took the initiative, out of blue moon, to pierce my nose. Its a kinda tradition to pierce ears N nose for most of the gals in INDIA. To my luck my mom pierced my ears long back when I was 6 yrs old, I think. My elder sis was very much interested in piercin her nose N in all ways also wanted me to do so for which I wasnt ready. Dont jump to the conclusion, ofcourse I am not afraid or scared for that matter but I thought I jst don need it. There wasnt nyone to understand me except for my aunt (my mom's sister). She believes anglo-indian/english ppl look good because of their simplicity without piercing (simplicity on face...No comments abt dressing istyle). But with majority on the other side I had no option. Thanks to our (our???) Sania Mirza (of tennis fame), my sis N mom got into discussion as to which nostril to be pierced. my mom believes right side will have decent classy look N my sister think left side goes well with the current trend. poor me I wasnt even ready for it.

Then in those moments of introspection I asked myself, wutz the deal??? 'Nothing big but u'll look better with those earings N a single shining star on ur nose' was the answer. Then its a big deal for a gal like me!!! Although I am not beauty conscious, I always welcome simple, one time efforts to look good (regularity doesnt work for me). A gal without these earings, N (now) a little star on nose (okie...I don wear them regularly but now I can If I wish) doesnt look beautiful unless and untill she is Aishwarya Rai or a gori mem as my aunt say. I dont know the truth of the above statement, may be I am habituated to see ppl that way. I wonder how ppl (esp boys) pierce their body jst for fashion, true freaks. In any way, beauty doesnt come easy its quite costly N painfull too. With a greedy thought of looking pretty (I knw I can never be perfect, wutever I may do) I accepted the offer N pierced my nose, left side, my sister won the battle. Ofcourse it was a paining thing. At first it was paining like hell but nxt day it was okie I thought. Whenever I think its fine, pat comes the problem knocking my door. what next, the sleek gold strand got fixed at other part of my nose and the result is, I had to cut it down N now therez a neem tree stick inserted. Exactly a week before I pierced my nose, its same as it was on the first day where as for my sis its (almost) normal. poor me :-(.

je suis huereux...

2007-06-29T17:44:00.000+05:30

...coz I am goin home!!! Dad is getting retired from his service tomorrow and I am really happy for him. I have planned hell lot of things to say to my dad N I really really want to make a point. Being younger at home I never got the chance to say (rather poke) in BIG matters. Although dad was always (may be behaved like) a patient listener ( for my gibberish), I highly doubt if he took nything serious till now. So the only BIG thing (the others are really small silly things, obvious of me) that I want to say him is, 'Dad, I want to stay with you N mom'. I never got the chance of staying with them except for occasional occasions. I jst wish dad N mom agrees to it. Since I had matured (U dont believe, I have my wisdom tooths as proof), I had never spent ample time with them. I think I really need them and I want to know them better N serve them too. U mite be wondering, I f I can really do this all, well then... I shud say I have planned for it. Aage jo hoga dekha jayegaa but I'll not be surprised if its other way around. So here I am, goin home!!!

Ohh, so u didnt got the title yet or have u guessed/searched it already. well...these days I am learning french. 'je suis huereux' mean I am happy. Last but not the least, Happy weekend readers!!!

Some day ...

2007-06-27T22:34:00.000+05:30

World with a ...

2007-06-26T12:25:00.000+05:30

Yesterday, as I was leavin to home in a hurry, you see I am always in hurry thats coz its really hard to manage 24 hours, I mean, I need more time. Nywayz, I cant do much abt that, so lemme continue. As our office shuttle was barely filled N these ppl never start without it gettin full, I decided to catch an auto and started walkin past the info-tech, towards the road. Amidst of the walk, I realised the weather is awesome. Cool fresh air (though, few think its not but I guess its much better than the centralized A.C), slightly heavy winds, and ... and there was nothing more. But I loved the simplicity of the moment so much so that I slowed down my pace. I missed T-todo N P-todo n cudnt stop thinkin how they missed these things, livin N workin in a busiest & more polluted area.

And before I cud bet my *** on it, a ( may be few) dust particle fell in my left eye. And without nyone (known) around, I really didnt know wut to do N started rubbing it off, wut else it hurted more, poor eye. I tried to manage my walk to the road with jst one eye opened. few minutes later got into an auto still with my one eye closed. Then I realized, world is the same even with a single eye ;;), then I closed both of my eyes, everything was blank, I donno where I was and what is around me but that was still good, wut was more terrible N paining is to see world with a troubled eye :-(.

Now that there wasnt ny way of gettin those particles out, I decided to see world with a single eye, wut if dockie say 2morrow that I have lost my eye, as that particle was really dangerous, itz always gud to practice before hand. My eye n my nose (for moral support to my eye) started pourin out water N between all these I had to change so many autos to reach home, poor me (Now do u understand the need of giftin a 2/4 wheeler to me) . Then I thought it will be better if I can divert my concentration N believe me it was. suddenly in the middle of the way, I realized its wasnt paining nymore. My brain started workin on it only to raise an alarm as how that can be possible, as I did not open my eye, infact I didnt touched my eye even, now that was a mind blowing analysis I feel. I wondered then and still wondering 'where has the dust particle gone???' Ny answers???

Ohh..God, Its Monday again :-(

2007-06-25T15:46:00.000+05:30

As the monsoon is here, its drizzling all the day, though in other parts of the state, its flooding heavily. And above that, me being a lazy brat, you can expect how I mite like to spend my day, obviously jst lying in the bed. But to put a halt to my dreams, today is monday. I always wish, I can quit Monday. Well not really that bad...to my luck, my manager is off for some training N here I am writin post after post :-P.

Sequel to Success!!!

2007-06-25T13:55:00.000+05:30

My hearty congratulations to Mallik. By now, half of my blog readers (rather everyone, I have very few readers N moreover its such a gr8 news, I can hardly keep my mouth shut) mite know the reason behind. Anyways still lemme start, shuru se shuru karti hoon...

In B.tech, we were 6 of us, in our gang, Mallik, ravi, Remya, Shazia, Teesh N myself. I guess almost a year before, you can add a couple of months more, I wrote a post... Dream come True. That's when teesh got visa, he always wanted to do M.S in U.S. Although i personally don like leavin INDIA (mera bharat mahaan), I was happy for him. And on Saturday, once again one of my the best friend, Mallik, studying in HCU, got placed in IBM. Well if you consider that's not a big deal these days, you may be true for everyone else but in his case that's a very big achievement for him. Its like a window for his dreams, now he can do all he longed for, money-matters-boss. In final year, when departed, momentarily, we all had dreams in our eyes, being happy-souls in college we all wanted to live happily, all the other things were intermediate goals, like getting visa to U.S or being placed in IBM of sort, earning big bucks, etc but equally important. Today I am happy for all of us are in the rite track, though we haven't reached our destiny (vch none of us know ;;)). And this post is dedicated to mallik, for making a mark (first attempt success) n achieving a mile-stone. I want to dedicate few more post for my other friends too, n eagerly waiting for the leads to plunge into action n achieve all their goals quickly.

keeping it small, I want to end this post now, raising a toast of success to Mr Mallik Mallikarjun, from all of us. And to raise a literal one, we all need a party from you dear!!!

Is it true...

2007-06-19T14:15:00.000+05:30

...Oh I cant believe its you. Good line to start but phut... Its not easy to write something of that sort (I dont wanna name it a poetry). Not for me atleast, but then today I am feeling good. Mind you, not very happy but jst good. Its a very normal thing, but considering the circumstances I thing its a big deal. May be more than that. I spent quite a quality time with someone, without asking/answering much. I guess 1/2 an hr. We had it after a very loooooooooooooooooong time. Without those hard feelings n cold wars, this meeting was rather simple perhaps silent. The meeting was quite funny I feel as I recall now. We spoke about the water of the lake we stood near by, about the ducklings and their quacks. I always enjoy the serenity of such places but the other person hardly does that, quite opposite to me. But today even he seems to be, although he grumbled a bit abt the slightly stinkin water of the lake. All in all I had a good time I can say. I admit this meeting again tried to stir all those feelings buried inside me, but NO...This time I didnt gave a damn to them. Few tell me, I shud give a chance to my dreams...the more I gave a chance, the more it hurts me, especially when my dreams crashes n thrashes in reality.