well...not exactly

I prayed to God yesterday.

Yesterday I was scared, more than my helplessness I was scared that I will go on continue living and some day I'll move on. If something happens tomorrow, God forbid, then I have no choice but to make a cry and after sometime dust off and stand up ( may not literally or happily dust-off but sure to get away from lamenting over loss). And memories of old times fade off. Sometimes they drench you like unexpected rain in summer but never again you remember any spring time by yourself. 


P.S0: Alexei (In Gambler by Dostoevsky) said, "It is like a drowning man catching at a straw. You yourself will agree that, unless he were drowning he would not mistake a straw for the trunk of a tree."


P.S1: Things today were more agreeable that I thought, or may be I thought too much. I couldn't feel any better. I am almost happy.

Destiny... !

Things have been in discussion for some time now... directly or indirectly I have been informed though all along I mummed my participation with due diligence I finally spoke when my parents started taking my silence for approval. Much to my chagrin I said, “OK, I’ll get married but not before May” after a look at Dad and Mom I blurted out “or April”.

The same eve when we went to buy saris to my cousin, I (not mom) bought two for me. 

Lord of the flies - Influenza!

"Lord of the flies" Another good book shared by my colleague. I read books of different genre (Shakespeare, Dostoevsky, R.K. Narayan, P.G.Wodehouse, Ayn Rand, Agatha Christie, J.R.R.Tolkien to name few and yes that's how I differentiate) but I wouldn't have read "1984" or "I am a legend" or "Lord of the flies" if not for him. He introduced me to the side of human world which is grotesque, selfish and in the darkness of heart is nothing but a ...

I caution people who want to read the book "Lord of the flies" should stop here, as there is spoiler below :). Let me give my opinion of the book beforehand, Its very good, I would say must read. By the way, this book was William Golding's response for "The Coral Island" by R.M.Ballantyne.

"Lord of the flies" is about a group of British schoolboys stuck on a deserted Island who try to govern themselves, with disastrous results (courtesy Wiki). All the kids are of age 12 or below. The book opens with kids crash landed, wandering on an Island and pages later Ralph (one of the Chief characters) first as a matter-of-fact and later as exhilarating discovery shouts excitingly "There are no grown ups!". I thought here starts the disaster but they acted more like grown ups and astonished me with their meetings and conch and the order :). Later you would see how they really grew up. As you move forward you forget the fact that they are kids. Sometimes I stop and hate them for their behavior and then suddenly realize they are only kids, which made me feel sad. Those kids behaved like grown up men representing the worst side of, humans that they are or are they?

I liked author for his characterization of Ralph and Simon despite the fact that through Jack  he dared show the dark side of human nature. Simon was wise, Ralph was human and Jack was a savage. Ralph was the connection, a link between the extremities of human nature. Only Simon knew who was Lord of the flies actually is. Piggy was intelligent I suppose but his death didn't make me feel sympathetic. Its Simon and Ralph who moved me. Simon's death stares at the face of humanity mirroring the true you. And Ralph justifying his absence from the horse-shoe ring, defies his knowledge and guilt of murdering Simon, acting like an average normal person. Though at the end, Ralph is saved by timely (yes timely) arrival of rescue officers, you would know its an accident made by the author to save it from becoming monstrous. May be deep down the author knew people cannot comprehend such an ugly side of human nature on so innocent a face no matter how masked they are.

unfair broadcast.

 It wasn’t sudden or unnatural change, I was well aware when my thoughts, opinions and beliefs were changing. I made a protest but it was meek because I was fighting experiences with presumptions.  It wasn’t just hard but almost impossible to let go all those beliefs I grew up with. On one side my rationality would question everything and on the other hand my blind faith is taking benefit of doubt which is convenient but not comforting.  In my helplessness I am laughing at schism of self. 

stupid me!

Today I behaved like a stupid, real stupid. I guess I'll never learn not to be...few people has that effect on me. I didn't want to be stupid like women which is why I went ahead and did even more stupid thing to prove it one more time!

After effects

Well...after a day, things seem little okie, not that I am OK with what happened. I was so angry that I eliminated the option of apology, and decided that person cannot be excused. I am not angry on person itself its just that I cannot be normal with them after all of it. I might not come to dislike the person but I don't feel like before anymore. Its been a month since it was first said, yesterday I opened up because I made my mind to cut things off and I always hated when someone suddenly stop talking, leaving other people at the mercy of their memory and your way of thinking (not everyone is as intelligent as you are, besides if they understand it why will they do it :P). Long long long back I made a HUGE mistake. To be honest its fatal, I took for granted my friend's trust on me by accessing my friend's email. Though I can argue it was unintentional and unthoughtful, but one the flip side its sheer ignorance. When I realized it, I kept saying sorry...over time my friend excused me. That's the worst thing I ever did, I still regret whenever I think of.

Coming to the present, I couldn't help thinking you deserve as much chance as I did then. But the point is I am not angry on you ma, even if I am it wont last more than the heck of the situation. Its the fact that you said it to me is what hurt me... This is how long I can keep my ego aside.